que sera sera

a bit of a note to myself...

I've always had a natural tendency to (over)analysis... guess that helps me in my job ;)

But I had a bit of a light bulb moment when I realised that I have spent the majority of the last ten years living with someone who was increasingly mentally ill - or if not that, deliberately manipulative and deceptive. Which meant he was saying less and less, and was more and more reactive to what I said.

That led to my tendency to analyse coming to the fore in both analysing what he did versus what he said (the behaviour seemed more consistent but he denied everything), and analysing what I was *about* to say before I said. Like a permanent filter on my brain...


only...

now he's gone !!!!

So I don't need to do that any more. Analysing is taking up a chunk of my energy and brain power that I could better use elsewhere. The analysis doesn't help me *change* anything so is not really serving a purpose. Where it does serve a purpose, fine. Where it doesn't, quit it. Just go with the flow, because what will be, will be.

On a similar note, as part of my continued quest to reclaim myself, (I make myself sound like a bit of industrial land !), I bought some slinky pyjamas today :)

Not that I am expecting anyone to see them, but now I am the kind of person who owns slinky pyjamas, rather than the kind of person who only owns comfy jimjams. :D

All part of "accepting the new Reality" or perhaps of *creating* the new reality !

the best revenge is success...

...but then you have to decide what you mean by success ?

I guess somewhere in my head I had thought that "success" might be finding a new partner (tall, handsome, intelligent, own income) and proving it "wasn't me" that way.

But I am coming to realise that success is much broader than that. And in a "sisters are doing for themselves" sense, being by myself and not just coping but moving things on, getting things better, rebuilding my finances and so on - is just as much, if not more, "success".

In fact, meeting Mr Tall-Handsome before doing the above might seem like I couldn't manage by myself, which is hardly the sign of a successful woman. I did go through a bit of a needy phase to get to that conclusion. There is nothing wrong with having and acknowledging needs but that is not the same is being needy. Mini crisis and "light bulb" moment partly precipitated by the news that a colleague is expecting. I could genuinely wish her all the best, but it didn't stop a part of me wanting to curl up and wallow is self-pity :(

So, into "Bridget Jones's Big Sister" mode...

ran Duncrub (clockwise) in 17mins 18 seconds. Which is either a PB or close to it. I listened to a new mix on the way round and I think it has a slightly faster tempo, which helped.

But then got a flat tyre on Sunday and managed to try jacking up the car at the wrong point...not a good move, so the car needs to visit the garage in the near future. And I have two new tyres on the front.

I have to make a decison on central heating boilers by Wednesday. Right now it is a choice of one from one, i.e. do it or don't, as the second quote I tried to get has never arrived after a visit a couple of weeks ago. I guess local plumbers and gas men are so busy they can pick and choose - but why come do the visit if he was not going to write the quote up ?

I took some more things to the local charity shop, and passed on an old phone to someone who has plans to "pimp" it with a mobile phone (it'll keep him amused rather than gathering dust in my house :) ) It makes me feel good to think that from the ashes of my old life, some goodness can be created. That may sound very pompous but it is meant exactly as it sounds. It is like the negative stuff is this big hole - and by doing positive things like taking stuff to charity shops, I am slowly filling in the whole, handful by handful....

which takes me back to where I started ... success is the best revenge :D

Note to self: must get act together

Figured I ought to start making this more journal-like, rather than navel-gazing ;-)

So, what has been going on ?

Well the cough has gone, so I am back to running, aerobics, and Pilates is back on at work. Though running may be off this weekend again as we have snow right now, and the forecast is not great :(

I am researching costs to replace my boiler. The first quote was somewhat higher than I had thought - it *is* 10 years since I last went through this ! SO I got another quote as a benchmark. But realistically, waiting is not going to make it cheaper, just make it more likely to be an unplanned expense when the existing boiler slips its mortal coil.

I had decided a while back that I needed to "Get A Life"... well I think I have a step before that to do which is "Get My Act Together" ! Right after the LCT left, I was often on the phone to a good friend of mine. Luckily he was ok about my neediness and happy to have long conversations about this, that and the other. I was feeling quite proud of myself when it seemed I was coping better and ringing him cos I wanted to, rather than because I *needed* to. But I think I have just realised is that partly what I have done is transfer that neediness elsewhere :( I'll spare you the tale to spare my own blushes, but I am miffed with myself. So, Step 1 - get my act together. Step 2 - get a life. These steps may be concurrent. (Wonder if it ends up being s 7 step or 12 step plan ?) I am on the verge of turning into Bridget Jones: "Day 1: decide must get a life". And I *do* need to lose more weight. Bridget Jones's older sister :(

It is Valentine's Day soon. Before the LCT I started doing some form of spoof every year. Just something jokey that I was certain would not be taken the wrong way or be harmful. I was wondering if I should restart this but can not think of any recipients to meet the "harmless fun" criteria. So instead I wondered whether to base it on me and go for an anti-valentine approach. I spotted a great t-shirt on a US site which said

"Better to have loved and lost, than to live with the Pyscho for the rest of your life !"

and was very tempted but figured it was not really a sign of moving on ;) (Plus the shipping from US would have taken too long...)

So plan B will be just to ignore it. Not easy with all the hearts and flowers in every shop. There was even an advert in the metro to persuade people to get their flowers at the railway station for an easy life ! (ah, the romance of it...)

Valentine's Day... what's that ?