Self control
Had a bit of a weird end to the day yesterday and was a bit baffled by my reaction, which resulted in a rather introspective pondering. I struggled to put it into words effectively yesterday so am updating in an attempt to get it to make a bit more sense.
When the LCT left I remember wondering how I was going to cope and get everything done. I was lucky in having a lot of support to give me time to work out how to make it all fit. I guess what I did was come up with a number of coping strategies, like writing things down in multiple places to try and make sure I remembered them. Even then it was really a case of making sure as many as possible of the "must do"s got done, and if I was lucky a few of the "Shoulds" and "Coulds" might get done... maybe... on a good day, downhill with a following wind.
I know that I have to make choices - for example I can't go to work, get to exercise classes, work with my horse AND have a clean house. Any three of the four can get done, but not all four. There just aren't enough hours in the day. So if one of those is a "must", something else has to give. (And sadly work is pretty much a must all of the time !).
But I guess overall it was about control. About staying in control. And yet there are times I feel utterly out of control. Maybe I exert more control (and less uncertainty) in some areas of my life because I can, to counter-balance areas where I can't. But my house is chaos - does this really show someone who is in control ?
What triggered all this contemplation ? I managed to forget something. Nothing major, not really a must have. But for some reason it really really got to me. I think there is something sitting on my shoulder telling me that if I can manage to forget something small that doesn't really matter, I can just as easily forget something that does matter. It was a little scary to realise how stressed it made me feel - and how much of a failure - in a somewhat out of proportion way :(
I really don't like that feeling of not being in control of what is about to happen. Somewhere in my head I have a pretty constant feeling of teetering on the edge of a cliff.
I think maybe one the triggers here was letting other people down - one of my major dislikes is people who say they are going to do something.... and then don't, and that's exactly what I did this evening :(
But its still quite scary how close under the surface all this still is.
When the LCT left I remember wondering how I was going to cope and get everything done. I was lucky in having a lot of support to give me time to work out how to make it all fit. I guess what I did was come up with a number of coping strategies, like writing things down in multiple places to try and make sure I remembered them. Even then it was really a case of making sure as many as possible of the "must do"s got done, and if I was lucky a few of the "Shoulds" and "Coulds" might get done... maybe... on a good day, downhill with a following wind.
I know that I have to make choices - for example I can't go to work, get to exercise classes, work with my horse AND have a clean house. Any three of the four can get done, but not all four. There just aren't enough hours in the day. So if one of those is a "must", something else has to give. (And sadly work is pretty much a must all of the time !).
But I guess overall it was about control. About staying in control. And yet there are times I feel utterly out of control. Maybe I exert more control (and less uncertainty) in some areas of my life because I can, to counter-balance areas where I can't. But my house is chaos - does this really show someone who is in control ?
What triggered all this contemplation ? I managed to forget something. Nothing major, not really a must have. But for some reason it really really got to me. I think there is something sitting on my shoulder telling me that if I can manage to forget something small that doesn't really matter, I can just as easily forget something that does matter. It was a little scary to realise how stressed it made me feel - and how much of a failure - in a somewhat out of proportion way :(
I really don't like that feeling of not being in control of what is about to happen. Somewhere in my head I have a pretty constant feeling of teetering on the edge of a cliff.
I think maybe one the triggers here was letting other people down - one of my major dislikes is people who say they are going to do something.... and then don't, and that's exactly what I did this evening :(
But its still quite scary how close under the surface all this still is.
posted by seahorse at 11:59 pm
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