the time of year

the clocks changed, so the horses started coming in at night. So what ? Well since last winter I found out that when I was away in the evening to do last feeds - my supposedly devoted partner was on the phone to his other partner (most evenings). It is interesting how this delayed effect can apply. I feel SO over him - but then something that in theory I would have dealt with and moved on from already catches me out - because it is something that was not known/relevent at the same time last year.

And then, with that hint of nostalgia already in the air, I had a CD on while I was tidying and cleaning this afternoon. It was a compilation of artists from Celtic Connections - and has the Kate Rusby Track "No Names" on it. I went to see Kate Rusby live just after he left, and this track had me in pieces. I've listened to it a fair amount since and been able to appreciate it for just music, rather than with any emotion attached. But today, for a brief moment, I felt the loss of the partner I *thought* I had for all those years - the phantom, who never really existed other than in my mind. He was real to me at the time. I think I have been determined that the person I lost was the reality - the cheat, the liar - and forgotten to leave myself to grieve for the genuine loss of the person I believed I was with. Funny how grief feels a bit like you'd think a stab in the back would feel...

Part of me feels weak for still having moments like this - but then it was over 25% of my life.