this and that
I had an interesting call on Sunday night.... from the new fiancee's father. Did my best to answer his questions based on fact. It is all in the past for me - but IMHO it was the silence that allowed the lies to continue for as long as they did. So I would rather give them the chance to ask the questions - it is up to them what they want to ask.
It could be coincidence, but there has then also been stuff kicking off on email - nothing to do with me but I am aware it is going on.
All of which got me thinking (dangerous I know !). The reasons given for the lack of intimacy in our relationship were all about how the PTSD affected him, how the physical injuries from the past limited him and so on. I ended up feeling like every time I touched him, even just for a cuddle, I might hurt him, break him.
But it seems he was/is not quite so fragile with anyone else.
There is a bizarre thing here that his cold shoulder treatment had already made me feel unattractive, and just not unwanted - but unwantable (if there is such a word) even though there was supposed to be a rational logical reason that was about him and not me.
But now I know that the reasons given were fake. I don't know what the real reason was - there are a few possibilities. It can't be that he had any worry about me getting pregnant as that does not seem to have slowed him up with the other woman at all. But in a way the real reason is irrelevent (especially as I can never know it for sure). But the effect on my confidence, on my self-image, my self-esteem - those are all real whatever the reason(s) he had.
It's almost a year (within days) that he left - a month for every year we were together plus one for luck ! There are so many ways that I have moved on, but so many ways that I still need to progress on.
Watching programmes like "What not to wear", "How to look naked" and so on makes it clear that what you wear makes a big difference on how you feel about yourself. I've commented (I think) before on this - that perhaps I have been dressing to be unremarkable, ordinary, average, no risk. And that perhaps that needs to change. But when I try to make any kind of big step, I feel so weird, so way out of my comfort zone, that I have to revert back before I can leave the house. So I've only been able to cope with small changes so far.
Of course feeling that I do a good impression of a baby elephant doesn't help !
At work the other day I was in a meeting with a female colleague who had a good amount of cleavage on display. I'm not that way inclined but even I found it distracting (not in a good sense). Maybe the guys actually deal with that better ? For me it is not so much a question of sexuality as a question of taste - I just felt it was questionable in work context. It wasn't quite as far as bad taste - but it was heading that way.
So while I don't want to be invisible any more, I need to find a balance where the reactions I get are about the content (of my brain) and not the packaging. Not an impossible task - just a change from where I am at now (still a bit too far into invisible).
It could be coincidence, but there has then also been stuff kicking off on email - nothing to do with me but I am aware it is going on.
All of which got me thinking (dangerous I know !). The reasons given for the lack of intimacy in our relationship were all about how the PTSD affected him, how the physical injuries from the past limited him and so on. I ended up feeling like every time I touched him, even just for a cuddle, I might hurt him, break him.
But it seems he was/is not quite so fragile with anyone else.
There is a bizarre thing here that his cold shoulder treatment had already made me feel unattractive, and just not unwanted - but unwantable (if there is such a word) even though there was supposed to be a rational logical reason that was about him and not me.
But now I know that the reasons given were fake. I don't know what the real reason was - there are a few possibilities. It can't be that he had any worry about me getting pregnant as that does not seem to have slowed him up with the other woman at all. But in a way the real reason is irrelevent (especially as I can never know it for sure). But the effect on my confidence, on my self-image, my self-esteem - those are all real whatever the reason(s) he had.
It's almost a year (within days) that he left - a month for every year we were together plus one for luck ! There are so many ways that I have moved on, but so many ways that I still need to progress on.
Watching programmes like "What not to wear", "How to look naked" and so on makes it clear that what you wear makes a big difference on how you feel about yourself. I've commented (I think) before on this - that perhaps I have been dressing to be unremarkable, ordinary, average, no risk. And that perhaps that needs to change. But when I try to make any kind of big step, I feel so weird, so way out of my comfort zone, that I have to revert back before I can leave the house. So I've only been able to cope with small changes so far.
Of course feeling that I do a good impression of a baby elephant doesn't help !
At work the other day I was in a meeting with a female colleague who had a good amount of cleavage on display. I'm not that way inclined but even I found it distracting (not in a good sense). Maybe the guys actually deal with that better ? For me it is not so much a question of sexuality as a question of taste - I just felt it was questionable in work context. It wasn't quite as far as bad taste - but it was heading that way.
So while I don't want to be invisible any more, I need to find a balance where the reactions I get are about the content (of my brain) and not the packaging. Not an impossible task - just a change from where I am at now (still a bit too far into invisible).
posted by seahorse at 11:22 pm
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