howling #2
Hmmm... let's start with the first suggestion from my pal:
"State the problem as clearly as possible." Here goes, in my normal meandering style
Years back I went to a work sales conference in Jersey. We had some free time and I was wandering around shops looking for goodies to take back. I came across a gift/jewelry shop which had pendants in silver. Each pendant had a word on it - they were supposed to be wishes that the goddess(es ?) would fulfil. I tried to look this up recently but didn't get very far. I took a look at the words you could choose from: things like "success", "wealth" etc. I ended up chosing "fulfilled" because I felt it summed up all sorts of the other words in one all encompassing concept.
A month or so ago I went through my jewelry and sorted things out. I realised I had some quite nice pieces that I simply never wore. In the same way I don't wear dresses or skirts much. I figured I ought to do something about that and started wearing the pendant again.
What is making me restless is that I am unfulfilled. That's the simple bit. The difficult bit is what to do about it. I've never been one to sit back and wait for things to come to me - if I believe in anything it is some form of active fate. I often get a feeling - it may simply be what other people would call a sense of purpose - but to me there is a sense of rightness about some choices, a sense of wrongness about others. And for a long time I felt that there was something I was supposed to be doing. Not necessarily something big or amazing. Like the 'sliding doors' concept, it could be something quite trivial. For a long time I thought I had found that...but I hadn't.
What I can't quite work out is whether the feeling that life is about to shift gear is mere wishful thinking.... and that the restlessness is because it is just fantasy. Or if there is genuinely something about to change and some part of me can feel that ?
Any way, I figured I was not doing myself any good tying myself in knots - so went for the traditional remedy of retail therapy :) Tonight I have Siouxsie and the Banshees on CD to listen to :D
I was listening to the radio the other night and they played "Teardrop", a track by Massive Attack with Elisabeth Fraser ex of Cocteau Twins. I'd forgotten all about Cocteau Twins - how could I do that ? So their BBC Sessions CD is on its way.
And as I had a bad head when I was travelling home, rather than reading my current load book (Faust), I ended up with Adam Ant's biography and that reminded me I didn't have any Siouxsie on CD. (I'd forgotten how good it is... :sigh:)
I like a part of Tony's Eno quote (see the second item on this page : "except for those magic hours when your finger is right on the pulse, and those times only happen when you've abandoned the lifeline of your own history"
The times I feel most alive are when I am just there in the moment, fully aware with all senses, just being - it is like someone connects you up to 40,000 volts. I know life can't be all like that - but those briefs moments... And you know there are people out there who are living their dream who have more of those moments than us rat-racers. The days I start by being with horses are more like that.
The second Oblique Strategy: "Go outside. Shut the door."
The person I thought I would grow old with left me. And actually never was really with me. I haven't met my soulmate. The horse I thought would be my riding partner for the next decade, a talented bright mare, has arthritis and we can't do so much together. I still find myself saying things like "it is unlikely I will get to be a parent" rather than saying out loud that I won't. So what do I close the door on ?
This is not where I expected to be at this point in my life. But hey I have a roof over my head, all my limbs, a job; life's really not that bad. Do I need to accept that there are things that are now no longer going to be possible for me - in order to move on ? I'm the tenacious type; giving up is not easy for me.
" state the problem...." I am annoyed with myself for not doing more, faster. I feel the passing of time, and my life is running through my fingers like sand. I want to savour every grain of it.
"State the problem as clearly as possible." Here goes, in my normal meandering style
Years back I went to a work sales conference in Jersey. We had some free time and I was wandering around shops looking for goodies to take back. I came across a gift/jewelry shop which had pendants in silver. Each pendant had a word on it - they were supposed to be wishes that the goddess(es ?) would fulfil. I tried to look this up recently but didn't get very far. I took a look at the words you could choose from: things like "success", "wealth" etc. I ended up chosing "fulfilled" because I felt it summed up all sorts of the other words in one all encompassing concept.
A month or so ago I went through my jewelry and sorted things out. I realised I had some quite nice pieces that I simply never wore. In the same way I don't wear dresses or skirts much. I figured I ought to do something about that and started wearing the pendant again.
What is making me restless is that I am unfulfilled. That's the simple bit. The difficult bit is what to do about it. I've never been one to sit back and wait for things to come to me - if I believe in anything it is some form of active fate. I often get a feeling - it may simply be what other people would call a sense of purpose - but to me there is a sense of rightness about some choices, a sense of wrongness about others. And for a long time I felt that there was something I was supposed to be doing. Not necessarily something big or amazing. Like the 'sliding doors' concept, it could be something quite trivial. For a long time I thought I had found that...but I hadn't.
What I can't quite work out is whether the feeling that life is about to shift gear is mere wishful thinking.... and that the restlessness is because it is just fantasy. Or if there is genuinely something about to change and some part of me can feel that ?
Any way, I figured I was not doing myself any good tying myself in knots - so went for the traditional remedy of retail therapy :) Tonight I have Siouxsie and the Banshees on CD to listen to :D
I was listening to the radio the other night and they played "Teardrop", a track by Massive Attack with Elisabeth Fraser ex of Cocteau Twins. I'd forgotten all about Cocteau Twins - how could I do that ? So their BBC Sessions CD is on its way.
And as I had a bad head when I was travelling home, rather than reading my current load book (Faust), I ended up with Adam Ant's biography and that reminded me I didn't have any Siouxsie on CD. (I'd forgotten how good it is... :sigh:)
I like a part of Tony's Eno quote (see the second item on this page : "except for those magic hours when your finger is right on the pulse, and those times only happen when you've abandoned the lifeline of your own history"
The times I feel most alive are when I am just there in the moment, fully aware with all senses, just being - it is like someone connects you up to 40,000 volts. I know life can't be all like that - but those briefs moments... And you know there are people out there who are living their dream who have more of those moments than us rat-racers. The days I start by being with horses are more like that.
The second Oblique Strategy: "Go outside. Shut the door."
The person I thought I would grow old with left me. And actually never was really with me. I haven't met my soulmate. The horse I thought would be my riding partner for the next decade, a talented bright mare, has arthritis and we can't do so much together. I still find myself saying things like "it is unlikely I will get to be a parent" rather than saying out loud that I won't. So what do I close the door on ?
This is not where I expected to be at this point in my life. But hey I have a roof over my head, all my limbs, a job; life's really not that bad. Do I need to accept that there are things that are now no longer going to be possible for me - in order to move on ? I'm the tenacious type; giving up is not easy for me.
" state the problem...." I am annoyed with myself for not doing more, faster. I feel the passing of time, and my life is running through my fingers like sand. I want to savour every grain of it.
posted by seahorse at 10:09 pm
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