self-indulgence
I've had guests here for the last couple of weeks - in two batches. Before they arrived, I had scribbled some notes of things I wanted to comment on but I hadn't had time to do anything about it. Then today (as the last of the guests departed), I was talking to a colleague and happened to mention I blogged...and then felt that moment of "oh my god what have I said ?". I have realised since that I am completely comfortable with complete strangers reading this - if they judge me as a result, so what ? And friends - also ok because they've already decided they like me (for some reason) as I am ;) But there is a middle ground of people who aren't complete strangers, but don't necessarily know you so well... and that feels like more of a risk. These people could base their opinion of me on *this* (eeek). Now that's a scary thought....
It makes me question the content a bit more - is it just wallowing and self-indulgent drivel ? Given it is 11 months since the LCT left, how come he is still cropping up in my meanderings so much :(
Going to have to think about that one a bit more...
Anyway - from the "before" part of this.... I borrowed Paul McKenna's "Change Your Life in 7 days" book from a colleague as a train-read and have been working through it. He comments how research has shown that continual and inappropriate stress levels affects our health. I wondered about people who *invent* those continued inappropriate stress levels by concocting dramas, rescue scenarios. I know PTSD is associated with a state of hyper-alertness - but surely to invent fatal car accidents, suicide attempts (of others), etc is a little unusual ? I read a quite from Michel de Montagne (in the same book) which said "My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened" !
I think, in the context it was used in, it was meant to point out how often we anticipate things to be much worse than they turn out to be. But in the LCT's case it could be applied more literally as he is inventing a past, a present, for himself which is simply not real. Strange. His behaviour is completely alien to me. I don't think I will ever understand it. Of course I no longer *need* to... (understand it).
Anyway - my two "batches" of guests have been a nice change from solo life. I did wonder how I was going to cope with having my personal space invaded - but it never felt like that. Certainly the last visitors have been a treat - it is hard to explain without sounding cliche or trite - but it was like getting a little glimpse of being part of a family for a long weekend. Not only did I have grown up male company around (he mended the wiggly handle on my saucepan - which I *know* I should have realised was the problem and mended it myself - but to have someone sort that... Well it is such a simple thing but it made my day !) But I also had a ten year old child available to indulge and explore the world with.
The first group of visitors included two children as well. I think I forget how much I like that coaching/teaching role. (I've seen some great teachers of children and I know I don't have that level of gift). The wish to have a family is more than just my body clock ticking (well and truely tocked) - it is more than that. I don't mean to denigrate my own family (parents, sisters etc), nor other male friends who have been stirling and wonderful. And I am not about to have a hissy fit simply because I don't have my own family (partner, child). But I had also felt about insecure about whether I would be able to cope with children at all. And it seems that perhaps I would not have been a total disaster. Guess I will never get a chance to find out for real....
It makes me question the content a bit more - is it just wallowing and self-indulgent drivel ? Given it is 11 months since the LCT left, how come he is still cropping up in my meanderings so much :(
Going to have to think about that one a bit more...
Anyway - from the "before" part of this.... I borrowed Paul McKenna's "Change Your Life in 7 days" book from a colleague as a train-read and have been working through it. He comments how research has shown that continual and inappropriate stress levels affects our health. I wondered about people who *invent* those continued inappropriate stress levels by concocting dramas, rescue scenarios. I know PTSD is associated with a state of hyper-alertness - but surely to invent fatal car accidents, suicide attempts (of others), etc is a little unusual ? I read a quite from Michel de Montagne (in the same book) which said "My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened" !
I think, in the context it was used in, it was meant to point out how often we anticipate things to be much worse than they turn out to be. But in the LCT's case it could be applied more literally as he is inventing a past, a present, for himself which is simply not real. Strange. His behaviour is completely alien to me. I don't think I will ever understand it. Of course I no longer *need* to... (understand it).
Anyway - my two "batches" of guests have been a nice change from solo life. I did wonder how I was going to cope with having my personal space invaded - but it never felt like that. Certainly the last visitors have been a treat - it is hard to explain without sounding cliche or trite - but it was like getting a little glimpse of being part of a family for a long weekend. Not only did I have grown up male company around (he mended the wiggly handle on my saucepan - which I *know* I should have realised was the problem and mended it myself - but to have someone sort that... Well it is such a simple thing but it made my day !) But I also had a ten year old child available to indulge and explore the world with.
The first group of visitors included two children as well. I think I forget how much I like that coaching/teaching role. (I've seen some great teachers of children and I know I don't have that level of gift). The wish to have a family is more than just my body clock ticking (well and truely tocked) - it is more than that. I don't mean to denigrate my own family (parents, sisters etc), nor other male friends who have been stirling and wonderful. And I am not about to have a hissy fit simply because I don't have my own family (partner, child). But I had also felt about insecure about whether I would be able to cope with children at all. And it seems that perhaps I would not have been a total disaster. Guess I will never get a chance to find out for real....
posted by seahorse at 10:56 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home