mud, mud, glorious mud...

...in other words I've been wallowing a bit today.

I have visitors staying and one person recently split up with her partner. Chatting over a glass of wine was fine - but today it was dwelling on my mind a bit.

Plus it seems that despite the lies being exposed, LCT is going to "get away with it" as LCT parents have apparently said (to someone else) that the wedding is still on.

logical_me knows that news does not make any difference.
emotional_me - well that I am not sure of. Am I mad that he is getting to "live
happily ever after" (in theory anyway) ? Although in reality he has not changed - so hiw likely is that ? Butif exposing the second scenario has changed things with the Other Significant Other, than perhaps he *will* be able to be happier this time ?

I think part of emotional_me also wanted to do what I could to make sure he could not do the same to anyone else. A possibly arrogant and unrealistic hope - but still a hope. And not sensible given I intend to stay as detached from the *current* situation as I can.

But there is also an element of being mad at myself. For being that trusting, a.k.a. naive a.k.a. gullible for so long.

and also thinking that if that is the kind of guy I saw as a long term (for life) partner, what does that say about me ?

Looking back at some of the things I have written (emails or poetry) over the years - it is scary to see how my subconscious seems to have been much more aware of it that I was in waking life. LCT told me that I would spend a long time when asleep swearing at him in my sleep. I told him that was just random chaos and stress being let off - but you have to wonder... (and also wonder why I didn't listen to that inner voice a little better)