be careful what you wish for...

I was talking to a friend who has a chance of living his dream - but needs to pay his mortgage. I suggested he needed to set some deadlines to get the business going, and wryly commented that perhaps I should do the same in respect of my distinct lack of a social life !

So I went ahead and organised a lunch for the "girls" at work. Just as a nice thing to do - we'd done it before. Not really achieving a proper social life but a good practice. And after all, it is practice that hones skills.

And from there my evenings just seemed to fill. Not with a definite social whirl, but with things I could definitely cope with... a line dance evening in a neavy village, an "end of term" meal for the keep fit group, cooking dinner for family, and so on..

as a result I haven't posted here and kept up to date. I'm not sure I have the energy for a social life !

There have been developments elsewhere as well - LCT had got engaged earlier this year. But predictably had not told the other woman in his life (who he proposed to while living with me - confused, you will be !). That all unravelled last week. I'm not involved any more but was called on by her to be witness to a couple of details from the past, and provide some support. I don't bear her any ill will as neither she nor I knew we were being duped. Ironically I am someone who has similar enough experience to relate to what she is going through. I don't know how it will end. But it felt a bit like watching a train wreck happening when you have only just been in one yourself - rather a scary experience. You *know* you are not part of it, and are greatful for that, but at the same time you relive the horror a little :(

I think this one may run a little further yet...I am *so* glad to not be part of it.

I had also been mulling on how I felt about myself. I remember being this bright vibrant person... and then it was like I got cocooned by all the tangled webs the LCT wove. It was like I was programmed to repress myself. Now I want to break out of that, but I am not sure what kind of butterfly/moth I will be when I do that ?

Brother-in-law was taking photos of Race for Life this weekend. Although I beat my last year's time (by about 4 mins !), it was disappointing to see (the camera doesn't lie) that I just looked like a slightly faster baby elephant, rather than having made any real change. I knew I had not really lost much weight since I ran the 10k in October, but somehow it seems unfair that you can *run* 5k (in the rain) and still look like a baby elephant :stomps feet:

So I have to be even stricter with my diet. Not sneaking things back in :(

I was also thinking about the "the best revenge is success" thing. Part of me reacts to that in terms of finding the perfect man, who of course will fall madly in love with me, and being able to make sure LCT somehow becomes aware of this "success". But that is still back to interpreting success via a relationship with a man ! And I have an issue with that. Why should I define myself by who I am with ? But that is exactly what a part of my brain tried to do :( (bad brain !)I do miss being part of an "us", having someone to cuddle up to at night, all that. But it isn't a "failure" not to have it.

Another definition of success might be how I cope with day to day life. In terms of the house, I am just about keeping on top of it. But the garden has been neglected. And the recent flurry of "social" events has just left me drained and going to bed later than I should. Hardly sounds like a roaring success to me :(

So - a few things to work on.