missing... reward for return

dammit I miss being part of an "us" :(

I don't miss the lying, the cheating, the mental health issues of the LCT. And there's all sorts of things that were missing from that particular "us". But now I am not constrained by the LCT's issues, and I realise how much I've been missing out on.

It isn't just about all the partner stuff - the boy-girl things. It's more than that - its having someone to experience new things with, to share the day with, to just be with in silence. All that stuff.

I'm lucky to have some high quality friends who've known me long enough that they can see how fragile I am after the experience with the LCT, yet have also been able to give me the room I need to try and be me, all of me, again.

I don't know how I find that in someone I don't already know. And I'm annoyed with myself that I am not doing anything about that - about getting out there and putting myself in situations where I might meet new people.

I found out the LCT is engaged again - not to the other woman but to someone new.

I can not comprehend how he could be ready for that. I have a couple of theories - that I never meant to him what he meant to me, or that he isn't ready, he's just reacting out of fear and panic. Both of these fit with behaviour both past and present. None of which is my issue any more.

But dammit I miss being an "us"