honesty - six months on
The other woman said, in that fateful phonecall, "all I ever asked from him was honesty".
I felt it was ironic as that seems to have been one of the last things either of us got from him. In fact one of the few points of honesty I can pinpoint is when he said (just before he left) "I can't guarantee I won't lie to you again". Which is an understatement, but honest, as he knew the scale of lies he was maintaining - the ones I didn't know about at that stage, which made the others (the ones I knew at that point) pale into insignificance in contrast.
Well it is six months since the LCT left. Right to the end he was saying "just give me six months and I will be back and fully committed to you". Now where do I start with that one ! For a start, how could he be fully committed to *me* when he had proposed to someone else ? But setting that aside, there is a sense of further validation in knowing that he has NOT finished. Even though he has not had to build in time to return to the UK (one week in four was the proposal) and hence has had *more* opportunity to complete the work - he has not finished.
And the reflection for me is that instead of having another six months of hell in the meantime, followed by at least the pain and distress I went through 6 months ago, if not more because it would be compounded by having trusted him that bit further... i.e. I would be starting from much worse a place....instead of that, I am already six months into recovery. With clear vindication that I was right to stop the lies when I did. My regret is not having known and taken action before that - a long way before that.
For me there were two hypotheses - one was that the lies were a deliberate deception, the other that his mental illness was way worse than anyone (including me) had realised. I do not expect to ever know which of these is the case - as I want nothing more to do with him. The few facts I do have seem to fit the "deliberate deception" better than the illness theory. But at the end of the day, the outcome was going to be the same regardless either way so my assessment as a layperson is irrelevent.
so... onwards and upwards... by myself but hey, so what ?!
I felt it was ironic as that seems to have been one of the last things either of us got from him. In fact one of the few points of honesty I can pinpoint is when he said (just before he left) "I can't guarantee I won't lie to you again". Which is an understatement, but honest, as he knew the scale of lies he was maintaining - the ones I didn't know about at that stage, which made the others (the ones I knew at that point) pale into insignificance in contrast.
Well it is six months since the LCT left. Right to the end he was saying "just give me six months and I will be back and fully committed to you". Now where do I start with that one ! For a start, how could he be fully committed to *me* when he had proposed to someone else ? But setting that aside, there is a sense of further validation in knowing that he has NOT finished. Even though he has not had to build in time to return to the UK (one week in four was the proposal) and hence has had *more* opportunity to complete the work - he has not finished.
And the reflection for me is that instead of having another six months of hell in the meantime, followed by at least the pain and distress I went through 6 months ago, if not more because it would be compounded by having trusted him that bit further... i.e. I would be starting from much worse a place....instead of that, I am already six months into recovery. With clear vindication that I was right to stop the lies when I did. My regret is not having known and taken action before that - a long way before that.
For me there were two hypotheses - one was that the lies were a deliberate deception, the other that his mental illness was way worse than anyone (including me) had realised. I do not expect to ever know which of these is the case - as I want nothing more to do with him. The few facts I do have seem to fit the "deliberate deception" better than the illness theory. But at the end of the day, the outcome was going to be the same regardless either way so my assessment as a layperson is irrelevent.
so... onwards and upwards... by myself but hey, so what ?!
posted by seahorse at 8:28 pm
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home