somewhere down the road...
For two years of the eleven I was with the LCT, I was living and working in the UK to pay the bills where he was living (not in the UK). I remember saying to him that I had all the disadvantages of being single AND all the disadvantages of being in a relationship and *none* of the advantages of either.
Sometime last year, probably when he was still here, I went to see Phil (Cunningham) and Aly (Bain) play. Recently saw them again and some of the stories and jokes were the same ;-) It brought home to me that life now is really not that different to life then, except I've only got one lot of disadvantage, and have swapped the other lot for opportunity/potential. Plus my salary goes a lot further supporting one person rather than two. Of course not all the costs are halved - the mortgage is the same whoever lives here.
As I said before, there are distinct advantages - synergy even - to being part of a life partnership. I just wasn't getting any of them :(
When I started this blog I talked about the path I needed to walk. I guess it has just occurred to me that I had actually started creating that path for myself some time before. I don't mean to say that I had already left the relationship. But instead I had spent a couple of years establishing behaviours, habits, that were *not* linked to or dependent on my partner being there (as he wasn't !). When he came back, those behaviours accomodated him - but if he decided not to join in, I had the option to go ahead by myself. So when he left, those behaviours were still there, available.
I guess the habits and behaviours that are missing...still... are the ones that allow me to behave like a single person. Which sounds like I am still behaving like a "smug married" type. I'm not - but it is still a little scary and daunting to consider going out with a complete stranger. And at this age, there are not so many single people left where you have not already both made the call that this is only ever going to be platonic. I don't quite agree with the "When Harry met Sally" premis that men and women can never be just friends. But there does tend to be a phase early on when one or other of you is thinking "would I ?" You're not always both at that stage at the same time.
Sometimes things can change enough that the question gets asked again, later. But not often.
And there is normally a reason why you split up with an ex - so unless it is pretty clear that reason is no longer there....
I was a bit lonely the other night - rattling around a bit here by myself. There is this instinct to fix that by calling someone...but all that does is ask someone else to fix your neediness. I think it is a bit like grabbing food the instant you even have the vaguest thought of hunger - your body never actually experiences the feeling of hunger and just recalibrates the whole time to a new level of fullness. In the same way, if I reach for the phone the instant I feel a bit alone, I never learn to handle being alone. Or relearn - I used to live by myself and handled it fine - I'm just out of practice.
Well maybe I had a few bad habits back then that I ought to try and avoid this time around... I remember getting Sky when they had a deal on it so the films were free. I would get home and watch the movie - then watch the main movie at 8pm, and just keep going from there despite the movies getting more and more dire. Talking of which, I should probably have better things to do on a Friday night/Saturday morning than be writing this !
Right now - sleep is the only option. Sweet dreams :)
Sometime last year, probably when he was still here, I went to see Phil (Cunningham) and Aly (Bain) play. Recently saw them again and some of the stories and jokes were the same ;-) It brought home to me that life now is really not that different to life then, except I've only got one lot of disadvantage, and have swapped the other lot for opportunity/potential. Plus my salary goes a lot further supporting one person rather than two. Of course not all the costs are halved - the mortgage is the same whoever lives here.
As I said before, there are distinct advantages - synergy even - to being part of a life partnership. I just wasn't getting any of them :(
When I started this blog I talked about the path I needed to walk. I guess it has just occurred to me that I had actually started creating that path for myself some time before. I don't mean to say that I had already left the relationship. But instead I had spent a couple of years establishing behaviours, habits, that were *not* linked to or dependent on my partner being there (as he wasn't !). When he came back, those behaviours accomodated him - but if he decided not to join in, I had the option to go ahead by myself. So when he left, those behaviours were still there, available.
I guess the habits and behaviours that are missing...still... are the ones that allow me to behave like a single person. Which sounds like I am still behaving like a "smug married" type. I'm not - but it is still a little scary and daunting to consider going out with a complete stranger. And at this age, there are not so many single people left where you have not already both made the call that this is only ever going to be platonic. I don't quite agree with the "When Harry met Sally" premis that men and women can never be just friends. But there does tend to be a phase early on when one or other of you is thinking "would I ?" You're not always both at that stage at the same time.
Sometimes things can change enough that the question gets asked again, later. But not often.
And there is normally a reason why you split up with an ex - so unless it is pretty clear that reason is no longer there....
I was a bit lonely the other night - rattling around a bit here by myself. There is this instinct to fix that by calling someone...but all that does is ask someone else to fix your neediness. I think it is a bit like grabbing food the instant you even have the vaguest thought of hunger - your body never actually experiences the feeling of hunger and just recalibrates the whole time to a new level of fullness. In the same way, if I reach for the phone the instant I feel a bit alone, I never learn to handle being alone. Or relearn - I used to live by myself and handled it fine - I'm just out of practice.
Well maybe I had a few bad habits back then that I ought to try and avoid this time around... I remember getting Sky when they had a deal on it so the films were free. I would get home and watch the movie - then watch the main movie at 8pm, and just keep going from there despite the movies getting more and more dire. Talking of which, I should probably have better things to do on a Friday night/Saturday morning than be writing this !
Right now - sleep is the only option. Sweet dreams :)
posted by seahorse at 11:58 pm
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