Ghosts

Of course there are things that happened before the LCT. Many years and people I cared about. There was one particular person I cared a great deal about - it was one of those classic unrequited/unreturned feelings. That person hurt me badly - probably because I cared and they didn't, but I doubt I will ever know for sure why what happened happened.

For some reason I was convinced I didn't have a photo that actually showed this person. They weren't completely invisible, but the (few) photos I had were - well it was like that person was always looking away. In the meantime I'd kind of filled in the gaps. And of course many years have passed since I saw them "in the flesh" so the memory was fuzzy too. Needless to say the gaps, both visual and my "sense" of who they were, had been filled in positively. Not to excuse the behaviour that had been so very hurtful and so unecessary (and more than once).

Then this weekend I was trying to find some particular photos that meant digging into the older stuff. And all of a sudden there they are, looking straight at the camera. There was part of me that waited for that moment of shock and impact to hit me and......actually its a very ordinary person looking back at me.

I haven't seen this person for almost twenty years, so will probably never see them again. In some ways I guess I was still slightly haunted by what to me is unfinished business. But to be haunted you need a ghost. It feels like finding that photo put flesh on the ghost.