I require three things in a man......

.....He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid.

Well according to Dorothy Parker anyway ! As with the previous post, I've been missing being part of an "us". But I only have myself to blame as I've not done anything about it...

So if I was looking for someone, what kind of "someone" would I be looking for ? Given my track record, maybe someone who is my "type" is exactly the kind I should run away from, screaming loudly.

Or perhaps I should describe the LCT and then reverse all of that to ...i.e. replace "liar" with "honest", replace "cheat" with "faithful" or "true" and so on.

Desperately seeking a decent honest man....

So fair enough, if I can - roughly speaking - describe the kind of company I'd like to keep, what's in it for them ? what do I have to offer ? oh yes that would be "fragile", "scared", "low self-esteem"... can't see that being terribly interesting to anyone ! I guess that I've gone around for so long with a "don't touch" sign on me thanks to the LCT that it's hard to think any other way.

So if I *do* make an effort now, am I doomed to failure simply because I am not together enough yet ? Is it fair to do that to whatever person may decide to spend time in my company ? I can't just flick a switch and suddenly be ok.

I'm trying to do some form of emotional rehab - getting myself "fit" again to rejoin the human race. Like some form of personal "how to look good naked" programme.

Ho hum - guess I have to walk before I try running....

missing... reward for return

dammit I miss being part of an "us" :(

I don't miss the lying, the cheating, the mental health issues of the LCT. And there's all sorts of things that were missing from that particular "us". But now I am not constrained by the LCT's issues, and I realise how much I've been missing out on.

It isn't just about all the partner stuff - the boy-girl things. It's more than that - its having someone to experience new things with, to share the day with, to just be with in silence. All that stuff.

I'm lucky to have some high quality friends who've known me long enough that they can see how fragile I am after the experience with the LCT, yet have also been able to give me the room I need to try and be me, all of me, again.

I don't know how I find that in someone I don't already know. And I'm annoyed with myself that I am not doing anything about that - about getting out there and putting myself in situations where I might meet new people.

I found out the LCT is engaged again - not to the other woman but to someone new.

I can not comprehend how he could be ready for that. I have a couple of theories - that I never meant to him what he meant to me, or that he isn't ready, he's just reacting out of fear and panic. Both of these fit with behaviour both past and present. None of which is my issue any more.

But dammit I miss being an "us"

parasite-free

I got some news that the LCT is engaged to be married. But *not* to the other woman, the mother of his children. Oh no - to someone else !

Of course rational logical me knows that this is irrelevent and just confirms he is set in a pattern of behaviour.

But emotional fragile me did a quick wobbly. Luckily a good friend was around at the time and helped me through the initial reaction.

Emotional fragile me says "how come he gets to have Happy-ever-after when I don't (thanks to him) !!"

Rational logical me realises how unlikely "happy-ever-after" is for someone with the issues LCT has.

LCT stopped being part of my present or my future in October last year. The only thing he can affect is the past - and that is done and can't be changed.

Of course more information could shed more light on what the past was about. But knowing he is engaged to someone now doesn't really shed that much new light on the past. He just seems to be repeating old patterns again. Will he be any better at it this time ? Who knows ? (Not my problem any more). Will he actually get to the alter this time ? Who knows ?

There is a part of me that feels it is "unfair" that he gets a chance at "happy-ever-after" when he took mine away. But realistically - is this really going to be happy-ever-after for him ? As above, I suspect he is just repeating previous behaviour and of all people I *know* what living with him is like ! I am not sure I would want anyone to go through what the other woman and I have been through.

Part of me would like to know that what happened with me stopped LCT repeating the behaviour. But I guess that is a little crazy and maybe a bit arrogant. He had been behaving like that so long - and he would have to see it as "wrong" (which I am not convinced he does).

I would also like to do what I can to prevent other people going through that, if he is not going to stop it. I understood he was engaged to the other woman - so it does sound like the same thing all over again. I think he panics at the idea of being alone but actually has problems being in a relationship. This makes sense in terms of his relationship with the other woman as he only saw her two or three times a *year*. And with me, even though we were together a much longer time, the relationship was as dysfunctional as he could get away with blaming on PTSD.

But then, I guess parasites only survive if they have a host....