schizophrena by proxy

The other day I received an "official" letter for the LCT. There is no "if undelivered" return address on it, plus it is sent from another country. But there IS a website address on the envelope, so I emailed the organisation concerned to let them know and suggest new contact information.

Which meant I needed to double check the LCT's new work address. The work website there has personal details of each person; I made the mistake of looking at the photo there.

Seeing the photo was strange. I have think I have "schizophrenia by proxy" i.e. it is not me that has the split personality, but I seem him in two very different ways. I have this split in my head between the Lying Cheating Toerag he turned out to be, and the man I had thought he was.

There is a very clear separation between the two - one never really existed (like Santa Claus !). But seeing the photo brings them back together as the photo looks to be when he first went to work there and reminds me of the man I thought he was then (the Santa Claus one !). But really he was already the lying cheating toerag even then.

The photos here don't have the same effect, I am not sure why.

these are a few of the things that I miss.....

it is strange. I find myself missing things.

Like someone to talk to after a day at work
Like when I see something interesting on my journeys to and fro, or in the newspaper
Like someone to hold me, to kiss me like they mean it

and yet I didn't have those things before the LCT left.

He was monosyllabic and non-communicative, showing little interest in anything other than his boredom, his lack of money, his need to fulfill his own needs without any care for anyone else's (mine, his son(s) )

He showed little affection.

Of course I put all that down to his (known) mental illness (post traumatic stress) whereas there may have been other explanations. With the tangled tales he told, it must have got increasingly difficult for him to remember what he had said to whom... much easier not to talk at all !

But aside from that, how can I miss something I didn't have ??!!

The only conclusion I can draw is that when the LCT was here, I simply did not see those things as available to me, as something possible to have. I could not contemplate being unfaithful to him (ironic given he had *always* been unfaithful to me, right from day zero). And he seemed incapable, at that point in time, of providing those things.

Whereas now I am single, it once again becomes possible that I *might* someday, somehow, somewhere, have a chance of some of those things....

Moving on

The weather this weekend was windy and rainy. I figured I would and squeeze a run in between showers and set off on my normal route. I had decided I would do some interval work - 1 minute fast(er) running followed by 1 minute slow jog to recover. With my headphones on it's not easy to here the stopwatch beep, so I had to keep glancing at the watch.

As I set off, I very nearly turned tail and headed straight home - it was really not pleasant. There were times I could not run straight as the wind was blowing so hard. But I gritted my teeth and kept going. I felt woeful - it felt that the fast got slower, and I was not recover in the slow minute. But to my great surprise I made the circuit in 17 mins 36 seconds - which is a personal best for that route ! :D

The aim will be to repeat this every couple of weeks, with a "normal" run in between (possibly the hard way round or on a different route). Ideally I would like to get to the point where I can run faster for 2 mins, and recover in one... and build from there. But one step at a time ;)

Then the rain set in so I headed inside to do some sorting out and tidying up. There was a box on the top of the DVD cabinet. I was pretty sure it was something LCT's brother had sent us for a christmas present... so I grabbed it down to check I was right. And in trying to work out which way was up, I found a photo inside. It was of an eldery couple - and not anyone related to me. I think it is LCTs grandparents ? (His grandfather was dead by the time I met him) So I will send it back to the LCTs parents. Then I tidied up the rest of his left-behind items into a box. Nothing major, just bits and pieces.

I was still feeling responsible for his things. I guess in a way I related to them - I also felt left behind, unwanted.

I should say I also have this "responsibility" with things of my own that I decide are surplus to requirements - I feel I have a duty to find them a good home, and that leads to things hanging around longer than they should. I'm beginning to get that actually I can either throw away (items no one would want second hand), or send to a charity shop (stuff in decent condition). I don't have to eBay everything ;-)

Anyway, the things the LCT left behind *are* just "things" - inaminate items with no feelings. If there is any sentimentality attached, it is his not mine - and HE has left them behind !

Time to move on.

what a difference a day makes...?

a milestone....

"a significant event in your life (or in a project)"
"A scheduled event for which some individual is accountable and that is used to measure progress"

... so is a birthday a milestone ? we tend to use them as a point to stop and reflect, review, look both back at the recent past and forward into what comes next.

I suspect I have more significant milestones than the simple anniversary of my birth right now. This birthday *was* a milestone for me... if life had taken a different path and the LCT had not been a liar, a cheat, and a toerag who left me. But as it is... well its just another day. A day that in *this* life does not make so much difference.

The difference is made in things like: meeting a set of people I have never met before. No, not speed dating, just a bunch of like-minded people I know online. It was a relaxing evening with a friendly group of people :)

In the meantime I find that however much I try to look forward, there are still things haunting me from the past - unpaid bills that should have been sorted out by the LCT and weren't, forms from the tax office about the house sale. I find myself getting stressed and then have to put them back in context. They *are* part of the past. I need to deal with them, but thats it.