eating an elephant

There is a saying "How do you eat an elephant ? One bite at a time"

I guess getting over the LCT and rebuilding my life is a bit like that. Full of small bites. The weather and a virus put me a bit under the weather so I've not been out there running like I usually do. Not even riding my horse - the weather has been *that* bad ! But I have got a new cooker hood installed (with some help from parent and parent's drill) The old one tripped the fuse every time you tried to use it. And had been that way for over a year... remind me what the point of having a house-based partner is ?! My upstairs neighbour told me that the LCT spent the summer sitting in the sun reading. Which given he would then proceed to tell me how BORED he was ... is a bit ironic. Perhaps if he had mucked in, he might have been less bored ? I don't get the time to get bored these days - and I'm doing everything I was before *plus* all the things he did and was supposed to do (cooking, laundry in the "did" category, mending, sorting, tidying in the"did not" category)

I still have this feeling like I swallowed a big stone and its weighing me down - I guess that will go with time. It is quite ironic to feel like that now when the LCT has been a mill stone around my neck for so long - until he left ! Surely I should feel lighter now ?

Well at least my cooking area is lighter -literally as the cooker hood has a light :)
The new cooker hood was almost certainly cheaper than a call-out fee to get an electrician to look at the old one. It has less oomph than the old one and I have it set up to recirculate rather than extract - but given the cooker is on an internal wall... well I wonder if that was part of the problem with the old one. There was a heath robinson kind of contraption to duct the air from the hood around the kitchen to an external wall. Goodness knows what load that put on the old fan !

All well, shiny new white one in place and working now :D

"meant to be".... NOT

I spent a reasonably amount of time on trains the last few days - long enough to need a decent read. But instead I ended up with a "buy one get one half price" deal at the london station on the way back, and got "The Devil Wears Prada" and Paul McKenna's ).weight loss book. Someone else had mentioned the latter and it sounded like he talked sense - so it seemed worth a browse. (And you get a CD :D).

Anyway, he uses some visualisation techniques and I got to thinking how that might be used in a relationship (rather than weight loss) sense. (He probably has a book on that too. OMG I was joking... but he *does* !)

To the point... I realised that I had always had a sense of "meant to be" about me and the LCT. Not in terms of us breaking up.:rolleyes: .. I mean in terms of us getting together and being together. Even through the hardest of the hard times, there was always that certainty at the core of me. It was supposed to be.

Yet clearly it wasn't. Or at least not "ever after". I was very very clear that there is no way that lying cheating toerag would be any where in my life again - so in day to day terms I had moved on. But in the "long term" of my brain that "meant to be" thought was still hiding. Bring it out into the light of day and it has to put its hands up and surrender. I may not yet be able to programme something new in its place, but I can at least delete the code that is no longer relevent, appropriate, valid... yes not valid is the best description ! .... and start with a blank slate.

so here's to blank slates... :D

how much time ?

been thinking some more about the "advice to move on". You know if my partner had died, no one would think 3 months was a long time. They would understand how milestones like Christmas, New Year... and so on (his birthday (done), Valentine's day, my birthday etc(to do)) are difficult - especially first time through.

Now in effect the partner I loved has not just left the building, he no longer exists, anywhere on this planet... so how different is that ? Sure what I lost turned out not to be *real* - but at the time I didn't know that. Three months is only just a little bit more than a week for every *year* of our relationship - hardly much time at all.

Anyway - while there are aspects that I am moving forward on, discovery that eleven years of life have been under false pretences, a lie, gives you quite a lot to assimilate, integrate etc emotionally and mentally.

Having new lights to get installed in the hall, sorting out a new cooker hood, doesn't alter the emotional journey I need to take to be able to deal with the (devastating) blow LCT dealt me. It does not mean I want to reverse my course - just that I still have a way to travel to find my way again, having been knocked way off course by the LCT.

I still struggle a little with the whole "faith" aspect of this. LCT was attending a local church reguarly, researching texts etc and seemed to think I would have nothing to offer on the subject. Yet at the time he was breaking at least one commandment. So what is more appropriate to a faith - someone who actually lives their life by a certain set of values, rules - or someone who attends services regularly, reads the book, but actually behaves in a very contrary way to that set of beliefs ? And the church he attended - presumably he conned them as much as he conned any of us. But he has shown no remorse, regret, no repentence or attempt to make amends. I know where I stand - I believe the way you behave to be the more important of the two.

dallas ... in reverse

..and no, I don't mean sallad !

In the series Dallas, there is a scene where Victoria Wotsername (or rather than character she plays) wakes up to find "Bobby" in the shower and the past X years were all a dream.

For me its the reverse of that. I wake up to find *no* man next to me, no man in the shower. I walk in after walk and there's no one there :(

And the past X years were not a dream, but the reality was a lie.

and its like that every morning...

It has been suggested I need to move on. Only by one person... but knowing he has gone, and that I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole if his lying cheating toeragness turned up on my doorstep... is NOT the same as "getting over it" or "moving on".

Sure I have to accept the new reality. But that does not mean I have to *like* it. It does not mean I have to accept the fact that eleven years of my life have been stolen by someone else's false pretences ... and accept it with absolutely no reaction, no emotion what so ever ! Doesn't mean I have to not miss, not regret what he has taken away from me. I thought I had a loving caring partner and I *liked* waking up next to that. I miss that not only am I not doing that now, but actually I was not doing that then either :( (can you miss something in retrospect ? cos it feels like I do).

change something...

Well new year is always a time for reflection and making plans. And as the song says

"Hate something" video

Here's a song for anyone
who's ever hated...
in the key of Grrr...

Can hate be good? Can hate be great?
Can hate be good? Can hate be great?
Can hate be something we don't hate?

I figured as my head really can't cope with the concept of a whole year, I would look for small things I could do - small changes to act as seeds for bigger change.

So on New Year's Eve, I

- mended something. My jewelry box had lost two of its feet, so I stuck them back on. (in lieu of my broken heart)
- planted something, for new growth. Tulips, lilies and the like in two planters - one by the front door, one by the back
- made something - creating something new. OK, so it was only some Swedish Rye bread, but it was still a positive thing ;)

and on New Year's day I threw some stuff out. Time to throw out and get rid of the things that are stopping me from moving forward.

Of course I should have cleaned the house and made sure all bills were paid, but I was not quite organised enough for that ! I have done quite a lot of tidying up over the break and have two boxes to go to a charity shop and various things which have either hit the bin or will go to the tip.