self-indulgence

I've had guests here for the last couple of weeks - in two batches. Before they arrived, I had scribbled some notes of things I wanted to comment on but I hadn't had time to do anything about it. Then today (as the last of the guests departed), I was talking to a colleague and happened to mention I blogged...and then felt that moment of "oh my god what have I said ?". I have realised since that I am completely comfortable with complete strangers reading this - if they judge me as a result, so what ? And friends - also ok because they've already decided they like me (for some reason) as I am ;) But there is a middle ground of people who aren't complete strangers, but don't necessarily know you so well... and that feels like more of a risk. These people could base their opinion of me on *this* (eeek). Now that's a scary thought....

It makes me question the content a bit more - is it just wallowing and self-indulgent drivel ? Given it is 11 months since the LCT left, how come he is still cropping up in my meanderings so much :(

Going to have to think about that one a bit more...

Anyway - from the "before" part of this.... I borrowed Paul McKenna's "Change Your Life in 7 days" book from a colleague as a train-read and have been working through it. He comments how research has shown that continual and inappropriate stress levels affects our health. I wondered about people who *invent* those continued inappropriate stress levels by concocting dramas, rescue scenarios. I know PTSD is associated with a state of hyper-alertness - but surely to invent fatal car accidents, suicide attempts (of others), etc is a little unusual ? I read a quite from Michel de Montagne (in the same book) which said "My life has been full of terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened" !

I think, in the context it was used in, it was meant to point out how often we anticipate things to be much worse than they turn out to be. But in the LCT's case it could be applied more literally as he is inventing a past, a present, for himself which is simply not real. Strange. His behaviour is completely alien to me. I don't think I will ever understand it. Of course I no longer *need* to... (understand it).

Anyway - my two "batches" of guests have been a nice change from solo life. I did wonder how I was going to cope with having my personal space invaded - but it never felt like that. Certainly the last visitors have been a treat - it is hard to explain without sounding cliche or trite - but it was like getting a little glimpse of being part of a family for a long weekend. Not only did I have grown up male company around (he mended the wiggly handle on my saucepan - which I *know* I should have realised was the problem and mended it myself - but to have someone sort that... Well it is such a simple thing but it made my day !) But I also had a ten year old child available to indulge and explore the world with.

The first group of visitors included two children as well. I think I forget how much I like that coaching/teaching role. (I've seen some great teachers of children and I know I don't have that level of gift). The wish to have a family is more than just my body clock ticking (well and truely tocked) - it is more than that. I don't mean to denigrate my own family (parents, sisters etc), nor other male friends who have been stirling and wonderful. And I am not about to have a hissy fit simply because I don't have my own family (partner, child). But I had also felt about insecure about whether I would be able to cope with children at all. And it seems that perhaps I would not have been a total disaster. Guess I will never get a chance to find out for real....

mud, mud, glorious mud...

...in other words I've been wallowing a bit today.

I have visitors staying and one person recently split up with her partner. Chatting over a glass of wine was fine - but today it was dwelling on my mind a bit.

Plus it seems that despite the lies being exposed, LCT is going to "get away with it" as LCT parents have apparently said (to someone else) that the wedding is still on.

logical_me knows that news does not make any difference.
emotional_me - well that I am not sure of. Am I mad that he is getting to "live
happily ever after" (in theory anyway) ? Although in reality he has not changed - so hiw likely is that ? Butif exposing the second scenario has changed things with the Other Significant Other, than perhaps he *will* be able to be happier this time ?

I think part of emotional_me also wanted to do what I could to make sure he could not do the same to anyone else. A possibly arrogant and unrealistic hope - but still a hope. And not sensible given I intend to stay as detached from the *current* situation as I can.

But there is also an element of being mad at myself. For being that trusting, a.k.a. naive a.k.a. gullible for so long.

and also thinking that if that is the kind of guy I saw as a long term (for life) partner, what does that say about me ?

Looking back at some of the things I have written (emails or poetry) over the years - it is scary to see how my subconscious seems to have been much more aware of it that I was in waking life. LCT told me that I would spend a long time when asleep swearing at him in my sleep. I told him that was just random chaos and stress being let off - but you have to wonder... (and also wonder why I didn't listen to that inner voice a little better)

making beds for someone else to lie in

well that is what I am up to - literally ! I have visitors arriving Wednesday and had been pootling about quite happily gradually working at tidying up.

But I got to thinking about beds - and realised I have 2 mattresses and can borrow one more - but only have one bed frame :( The mattress I could borrow could come with a futon base, but that still left me one short ...

so I did a bit of research and found a set of guest bed frames (one stores under the other) that came without mattresses, could be delivered this week, and were good value for money. They arrived Thursday so I started unpacking them last night, and started putting together tonight.

Only I took a look around the spare bedroom and thought "OMG where is this going to go ?" (one will be added to the existing single bed in spare room - so there are twins there. And I will dismantle the dining room table and put the other bed in the dining room).

All of a sudden I felt woefully inadequate. Of course me being me I buckled down and moved some stuff around, and started putting the first frame up (I need a rubber mallet to finish the job).

:sigh: Up until today I was feeling like I was actually getting along ok. And then I looked around and realised how much was not-yet-done.

And I guess I get to sleep in the "bed" the LCT partly created - I bought this house knowing it needed some work, but not having found anything better that would be big enough for all the *stuff* we had between us, and that we (ok I) could afford. And as he was going to be based at home for a while, and seemed to be signed up for the idea, a house that needed some tlc shouldn't have been an issue. But somehow things ground to a halt after the lounge.

Since he left I have replaced the extractor fan, got a new boiler installed, got new lights in the hall. And sorted out a couple of boxes. Still lots more to do but I have actually got some things done. I have to keep reminding myself of that...

I guess I feel a bit like this house as well. All revved up for a new future, that hasn't materialised, feeling a bit shabby and neglected, would respond well to some tlc....

Ah well, it'll be interested to see what I do manage to get sorted out before Wednesday !

safe zone

hmmm

For some reason I got to thinking about whether I send out mixed messages... but I realised that being with the LCT was the relationship equivalent of being in a silent order for 11 years. I had to think about not just every word, but all the *unsaid* stuff as well.

So it is probably surprising if I manage any kind of coherent message at all, let alone anything "mixed". I've been surpressing that kind of communication for so long, I know I could get it very wrong. Plus if I send out messages - eek - someone may repsond !!! now that would be scary...

I think it might have been because I read something on the Metro on the morning train this week about a company that runs training for blokes to work on their image, their body language, their chat up lines etc. And it got me thinking whether I could actually chat someone up or not. Thing is us girls tend to have it easy in that even in these days of equality, it tends to be the guys who are keen enough to make the first move. Or maybe I am way out of date...

Anyway, one of the tips from the Metro article was to find out what the other person was interested in, and say you were doing that this weekend and did they want to come along ? So what do you do - walk up to someone and say "hey, what do you like doing ?"

Right now I just can't imagine walking up to a complete stranger and doing that. It seems more likely that the conversation would have kicked off for some other reason (the weather, some over heard comment etc etc) and then you direct it ?

But then I am still struggling to move from safe/comfort zone into stretch... I seem to have got into a habit of wearing a neutral look - non-threatening I guess. I manage to push the edges slightly - wear a skirt now and then. But if I push it too far it just feels so fake. So "not me". I need to rediscover what someone like me wears - when they are not trying to fade into the background...

I went through my jewelery box the other day to get rid of the dross - and realised I have some nice things I hardly ever wear. I think it is part of the whole neckline thing - that I adopted polo necks and higher necklines so that guys at work were more likely to talk to my *face*. The may sound discriminatory and stereotyping, but this was just based on observation and reactions - it is not like before this I was wearing inappropriate clothing at work. Quite a subtle change, but if you want to be taken seriously (as a woman at work) you have to dress so people take you seriously.

Anyway, necklaces - even on a short chain - attract attention where I was trying to minmise (that kind of) attention.

Or maybe it is simply that I tend to dress for function - I almost lost the necklace I had on today.... I guess I am not used to behaving like a person who wears jewelery, or heels, or .... all those other girlie trappings.

I guess I am more in my safe zone than I had realised.

random emotion

I think something happened - that in the first period the LCT was gone, before I found out what he had been up to, that I was somehow building up a store of emotional energy. Hanging on cos I knew that if I let go then, I may never make it back.

But then that fateful phone call was like a shock that completely turned me around - but without any release of that emotional energy. I was literally floored when I found out, but even though I was very emotional - I did not completely let go.

I simply don't feel the need to weep for my lost relationship. Yet put something crazy like "Incredible Journey 2" (for goodness sake !) on the TV, and I'm a puddle of emotion. I wonder whether it is because I still subconscious feel that if I get emotional about something real and serious, I may not cope ? But getting emotional about something not real, not "Me" is somehow easier ?

Anyway - The Cure CD was a double CD, so lasted me a couple of nights... tonight I am onto The Cult.