breaking up, letting go - eventually

or BULGE !! My very own acronym :D

There is a song on the radio at the moment "Every Heartbeat" by Robyn.
http://www.lyrics-celebrities.anekatips.com/song-lyrics/with-every-heartbeat-lyrics-robyn-lyrics

We could keep trying
but things will never change
So I don’t look back
Still I’m dying with every step I take
But I don’t look back
And it hurts with every heartbeat

which probably sums up how I felt 6 months ago, but not how I feel now.

Some times the universe throws up unexpected gems - when you are looking for one thing, you find another. I just have to share this one...
http://www.learningtoloveyoumore.com/reports/40/rachael.php

:D

dear diary....

Well I just went through all my posts to date to remind myself of the journey so far. I've never really told the full story of the LCT - but that is probably putting him in the right place - in the past and context only. So I'm not going to fix that one. But there are are few points I ought to update on:

firstly the running. At one stage I was convinced some of those times I had recorded must be wrong. I "lost" a minute that I never seem to have got back and all my times were 18 minutes something not 17 minutes.

After this year's Race For Life, I did an easy run a week later. It took me almost 20 minutes and my legs just felt tired. Subsequent weeks have only really taken 30 seconds off that. But today I just tried working on the quality of stride, and the "bounce" in it (and trying not to shorten it up too much), and was back down to 18mins 20 seconds :D I'd had an idea before that running "faster" was actually about stride length rather than tempo... but needed to focus back on that and push myself a little more.

Anyway, I do some of my best thinking when running or driving... and I was thinking about something that came up at the recent riding clinic I was at. The trainer talked about how my horse needed to let get mentally of some of the "ideas" she had, and how that would relate to her also letting go physically (and hence moving better through her back etc).

Well that letting go is also something I need to do. I've done Alexander Technique lessons before and I know how much the inner thoughts, tension etc can affect the muscles, movement and so on.

So - there are those that might think that corresponding with the Other Significant Other is the opposite of that. But in a weird way it *is* about letting go. For me, those 11 years are not something I can erase, but they are part of my past and have a limited relevance to my present or future. The OSO is in a very different place to me. Not only did she initially chose to stick with the LCT, but she is now having her world (and her childrens) turned upside down for a second time. In seeking evidence to prove how and when the LCT contacted her, she is finding an anchor for herself. For me, it raises some interesting points - but my interest is still more in getting myself fit in all senses for my life now and in the future, not in harking back to a past that is closed. I had previously said/thought that so much the LCT said was lies that you really couldn't trust anything without independent verification. Well recent events have served to remind me of that. And really all the OSO is seeking is that independent evidence. If you like, my role is passive. It is not about wallowing in my own misfortune. It is not about her misfortune. It is simply about speaking the truth when required. The silence that went before was contributory, in my view, to LCT managing to maintain the situation as long as he did. I don't have a responsibility to the New Fiancee - she has information available that neither I nor the OSO had. If she asks, I won't lie to her, as I haven't when others have asked. But she hasn't asked - and I doubt she will. Whereas the OSO has asked.

On to more pleasant subjects - it was interesting, reading the older posts, how often music crops up. I never got beyond basic recorder playing at school. I did do dance until I was 10 - when I realised that being short and heading towards a curvy future probably meant horses were a better choice :D But for many years I would hear music and "see" dancers in my head - now it is horses doing freestyle dressage :D Or I find my feet tapping...

Clearly music is still a theme for me. I can't play or sing, but it is a part of my life, of me. Tonight I was listening to Tom Jones - Reload which is quite fun because of all the other people he sings with.

And in terms of reading - way back when I mentioned Blink (which I read) and The Tipping Point (by the same author). Well I am now reading The Tipping Point, and it is quite interesting. I'd still like to work out what the equivalent is at a personal level... that point when something you have been unsure or in two minds about crystalises into a certain decision.

And it seems I didn't have 100% writers block, as flicking through an old note book (I tend to carry one with me), I found this from June last year...

For a brief moment
I thought you were
something else,
true, honest, loving,
not consumed by self.
You were bright
and I was dazzled.
The reflection hiding
not depths,but shallows.

Schrödinger's cat

well not so much the theory of a cat in an uncertain state, but more the point that observation changes the result...

I realised it is probably about time I reviewed this blog myself - to see how things have changed, or not. Yet even writing yesterday I was thinking of things I had not mentioned at the time. And I was coming up with more this morning on the train. I guess I'm learning how to do this thing - how to choose what to record and what not to.

And I know I have to be careful about what details I do or don't give - not so much the protect the LCT, but the innocent bystanders he has entangled with him :(

So in knowing I have an audience, both known and unknown, does that affect what I write ?

Way back when, I used to write as a way of letting off steam - but I found writing prose difficult and excruciatingly embarassing. It just seemed so pretentious. Even now I tend to write fast with limited editing (or spell checking ;)) I write and run...

But where in the past I could only write in "poems" (they were never for public consumption; calling them poems is a bit like saying I actually *run* rather than doing a fast jog ;) ) - well now I have writer's block and keep only getting the first line or two of something. Then it just peeters out :(

All of which could make reviewing my posts so far an interesting experience :S

I know I *am* changing - but actually becoming more myself. Simple things like the music (as I said yesterday). Or even clothes.

I think I have been adopting a form of camouflage. The situation with the LCT made me feel unattractive - and I know that tends to come through as clearly as if you had it tatooed across your forehead. But I think I also knew that I was vulnerable to anyone who treated me half decently. In 11 years, I was never really faced with temptation - luck ? Or was I subconsciously adopting behaviour, clothes etc that made that the outcome ? I know I have a logical rational explanation - that I got fed up with people not talking to my face if I wore anything other than a high neckline, that I wanted people to take me seriously. But none of those mean being unfeminine.

Now I find myself reconsidering. I'm still not a frills and fluffy person. But maybe I don't want to be invisible any more. Maybe I don't want to be in a box, in an uncertain state....

Music's the medicine of the mind. ~John A. Logan

(you'll have to read to the end for the title to make sense !)

Dealing with some of the stuff I heard the LCT had said about me - I started to realise that the ones I reacted most to were not about him, but about the events he was using to back them up. i.e. it was actually about something else entirely.

LCT and I were together for 11 years. Completely coincidently, I had been with my previous employer for 11 years when I was made redundant. I had an identity, a history, a "family" - and I lost them. In a way I did have time to grieve, to come to terms with it, as I was job hunting for 18 months. But during that time my focus was on what next, how to deal with the bills, selling houses, all those practical things that have to happen. So there are still some bits and pieces in there that are a little fragile.

In the meantime I got given another chance. Initially it was a 4 month contract, but I guess I didn't do too badly as I ended up there for 3 years and went from a temp, to a fixed term contract, to permanent. I can't have done too bad a job at holding it together, at making the right impression, at dealing with people then. It was a shame that the way the job was structured, away from the main group I worked with, meant there was a limited future there. So I kept my eyes open for jobs - and moved a year ago. Another new start.

Now I loved my "old" job - but it was a bit like swimming in shark infested waters. You always felt that if you showed any weakness, that would be it. You were expected to sell your soul to a large degree. It was thrilling, challenging, exciting but also tiring and draining. My new job is such a different culture - I wasn't entirely sure how I would adapt to it. But I like swimming in waters that have a more sensible threat level to them :)

Back in January I had the pleasure of meeting up with some ex-colleagues when one of them took early retirement.(I only seem to have commented on the train ride and the books at the time, not the purpose of the journey). They were some of the non-sharks, so it was great to meet up with them and remember some of the good stuff. But around a table of a dozen or so people most had either jumped, been pushed, or were expecting to be pushed - with the next round of redundancies. The world moves on.

You know I keep meaning to write more on what I am up to, and less about the LCT. Well just over a week ago I went to see Shrek 3. One of the tracks is Barracuda - which is a cover version (Fergie), but it got me thinking about the original. So the other evening I put some Heart on - mostly breakup music but actually quite uplifting as well. I must dig out some of my other 'old' stuff. I'd pretty much stopped listening to it as I was never by myself to listen to *my* choice. I find I am updating what music I like - I've missed out on a whole chunk by being out of the UK. We had a lunchtime Pilates class, and the instructor had a CD on. There was a song where the phrasing and use of language just had that hint of Elvis Costello to me - but it wasn't, it was Marc Cohn (I asked). So that made me want to dig out some Elvis Costello, and maybe find some Marc Cohn to listen to. *When* I get time ! Have to see what other treats I have hiding in among my CDs :D

death by 100 cuts

... of my relationship that is.

It has been a little strange. The Other Significant Other (OSO) had felt that the New Fiancee and NF's parents were not taking seriously her comments about her relationship with the LCT. She feels that it may come to needing proof, so had asked if I could send her the itemised part of my phone bills.

It is strange, to document your partner's infidelity. And strange that the exact same thing that validates her relationshop merely nails another coffin into mine. Knowing that he called her pretty much every day he could, waiting for me to leave the house to go and feed horses. He must have had the timing down pat - to be back sitting looking like butter wouldn't melt...

Of course it is just detailing what I already knew. But it is still a little weird.

It seems I am also being written out of history. Or perhaps being rewritten as well as having my role reduced. It seems he was single - and not with me at all ! Oh, and apparently I have poor people skills. How he would know that when he wasn't with me ? And if I was so horrible, why did he stay with me so long ? (ah, maybe that is why I am written out ?) And apparently I sent malicious emails when he left - but why would I do that if he was single ? I guess it depends which story he is telling - how on earth does he keep it all straight ?

The emotional side of me smarts - but the rational logical side keeps reminding myself that this is a guy who invented a stint in pyschiatric hospital rather than tell the truth (to OSO and NF - slightly different stories to each).

It is slightly unnerving that there are people out there who are hearing things about me, from someone who is very plausible, where I have no opportunity to correct that impression. In the days when the world was smaller and closer, the people would all have been local and it would have been easier to do something about it. These days the world is somehow more spread out - so people in another country are hearing things about me, and I have no chance to tell my side. Now that should not really matter - as their distance means the impression they have been given is unlikely to have any effect on me. And I guess in most cases I would not even know these things were being said. But I do (know). I guess if it was ever in a situation that would impact me, and I had proof, I could pursue him for slander. But I think he is too careful to put himself in that situation.

It is one of the strange things about this whole situation. The LCT puts an amazing amount of effort into keeping these multiple situations all going. But then he seems to take risks - inviting both women to the same event. Perhaps they are calculated in that he has already figured one or both will not be able to make it, so the invite is "safe". But sometimes it seems he is deliberately courting disaster. Perhaps this is one of the things he gets out of it ? (Given he has deliberately got himself back into a similar situation).

I still feel very *used*. What was I to him ? A supplier of a roof, food on the table, goodies to play with ? but nothing else ? was that all I was worth to him ? The thought that he could have been unfaithful on the two or three times a year he visited his child and OSO (and his other son, but I didn't know that at the time) - that was bad enough. To know that he was also calling her most days - as a partner, a lover - that is complete treachery. The guy is a snake.

And I feel more than a little stupid - which for me is the ultimate sin !

I guess I'll just have to get over it. I'm not the only one taken in by him.

What is that quote: "the greatest thing you will ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return"

All the recent goings-on with the LCT have got me rethinking things again..

I think I had been holding on to some grand romantic notion that for whatever reason the LCT had convinced himself he was single before he got together with me. Not only did he tell me so, but other people said so as well.

So say he genuinely believed he was single, then starting to see me was not an issue.

But as soon as he saw the other woman again and realised it was not all over, to continue seeing us both *was* wrong. No excuse, but this is where the "grand romantic notion" comes in. Having got together with me, perhaps the emotion (love) was genuine, but then he found he also still loved her ? Then what to do ?

Torn in two, could he simply not make a decision ?

But if that was true, then taking me out of the picture should have resolved that. And he would be left to love his remaining love.

Instead he seems to have commented that he would stay single for a while, and then pretty much immediately fallen for the most recent woman.

So that blows not only the grand romantic notion out of the water, but also trivialises what he felt for me. It was not some grand love - it was just that I was there and prepared to fund a lifestyle.

It makes me sad that it now seems I have not known love. I have loved, and I have been loved (so I have been told). But to have that ongoing relationship with someone I love, who loves me.... I thought I had, but not so :(

be careful what you wish for...

I was talking to a friend who has a chance of living his dream - but needs to pay his mortgage. I suggested he needed to set some deadlines to get the business going, and wryly commented that perhaps I should do the same in respect of my distinct lack of a social life !

So I went ahead and organised a lunch for the "girls" at work. Just as a nice thing to do - we'd done it before. Not really achieving a proper social life but a good practice. And after all, it is practice that hones skills.

And from there my evenings just seemed to fill. Not with a definite social whirl, but with things I could definitely cope with... a line dance evening in a neavy village, an "end of term" meal for the keep fit group, cooking dinner for family, and so on..

as a result I haven't posted here and kept up to date. I'm not sure I have the energy for a social life !

There have been developments elsewhere as well - LCT had got engaged earlier this year. But predictably had not told the other woman in his life (who he proposed to while living with me - confused, you will be !). That all unravelled last week. I'm not involved any more but was called on by her to be witness to a couple of details from the past, and provide some support. I don't bear her any ill will as neither she nor I knew we were being duped. Ironically I am someone who has similar enough experience to relate to what she is going through. I don't know how it will end. But it felt a bit like watching a train wreck happening when you have only just been in one yourself - rather a scary experience. You *know* you are not part of it, and are greatful for that, but at the same time you relive the horror a little :(

I think this one may run a little further yet...I am *so* glad to not be part of it.

I had also been mulling on how I felt about myself. I remember being this bright vibrant person... and then it was like I got cocooned by all the tangled webs the LCT wove. It was like I was programmed to repress myself. Now I want to break out of that, but I am not sure what kind of butterfly/moth I will be when I do that ?

Brother-in-law was taking photos of Race for Life this weekend. Although I beat my last year's time (by about 4 mins !), it was disappointing to see (the camera doesn't lie) that I just looked like a slightly faster baby elephant, rather than having made any real change. I knew I had not really lost much weight since I ran the 10k in October, but somehow it seems unfair that you can *run* 5k (in the rain) and still look like a baby elephant :stomps feet:

So I have to be even stricter with my diet. Not sneaking things back in :(

I was also thinking about the "the best revenge is success" thing. Part of me reacts to that in terms of finding the perfect man, who of course will fall madly in love with me, and being able to make sure LCT somehow becomes aware of this "success". But that is still back to interpreting success via a relationship with a man ! And I have an issue with that. Why should I define myself by who I am with ? But that is exactly what a part of my brain tried to do :( (bad brain !)I do miss being part of an "us", having someone to cuddle up to at night, all that. But it isn't a "failure" not to have it.

Another definition of success might be how I cope with day to day life. In terms of the house, I am just about keeping on top of it. But the garden has been neglected. And the recent flurry of "social" events has just left me drained and going to bed later than I should. Hardly sounds like a roaring success to me :(

So - a few things to work on.