this and that

I had an interesting call on Sunday night.... from the new fiancee's father. Did my best to answer his questions based on fact. It is all in the past for me - but IMHO it was the silence that allowed the lies to continue for as long as they did. So I would rather give them the chance to ask the questions - it is up to them what they want to ask.

It could be coincidence, but there has then also been stuff kicking off on email - nothing to do with me but I am aware it is going on.

All of which got me thinking (dangerous I know !). The reasons given for the lack of intimacy in our relationship were all about how the PTSD affected him, how the physical injuries from the past limited him and so on. I ended up feeling like every time I touched him, even just for a cuddle, I might hurt him, break him.

But it seems he was/is not quite so fragile with anyone else.

There is a bizarre thing here that his cold shoulder treatment had already made me feel unattractive, and just not unwanted - but unwantable (if there is such a word) even though there was supposed to be a rational logical reason that was about him and not me.

But now I know that the reasons given were fake. I don't know what the real reason was - there are a few possibilities. It can't be that he had any worry about me getting pregnant as that does not seem to have slowed him up with the other woman at all. But in a way the real reason is irrelevent (especially as I can never know it for sure). But the effect on my confidence, on my self-image, my self-esteem - those are all real whatever the reason(s) he had.

It's almost a year (within days) that he left - a month for every year we were together plus one for luck ! There are so many ways that I have moved on, but so many ways that I still need to progress on.

Watching programmes like "What not to wear", "How to look naked" and so on makes it clear that what you wear makes a big difference on how you feel about yourself. I've commented (I think) before on this - that perhaps I have been dressing to be unremarkable, ordinary, average, no risk. And that perhaps that needs to change. But when I try to make any kind of big step, I feel so weird, so way out of my comfort zone, that I have to revert back before I can leave the house. So I've only been able to cope with small changes so far.

Of course feeling that I do a good impression of a baby elephant doesn't help !

At work the other day I was in a meeting with a female colleague who had a good amount of cleavage on display. I'm not that way inclined but even I found it distracting (not in a good sense). Maybe the guys actually deal with that better ? For me it is not so much a question of sexuality as a question of taste - I just felt it was questionable in work context. It wasn't quite as far as bad taste - but it was heading that way.

So while I don't want to be invisible any more, I need to find a balance where the reactions I get are about the content (of my brain) and not the packaging. Not an impossible task - just a change from where I am at now (still a bit too far into invisible).

who would want to eat stale bread the whole time ?

came up with this one while running today...

Say you had been eating stale bread and drinking only water for a long while. You were doing that because it was all that was on offer, and at least that way you survived.

Then someone takes away that bread and water, and for a moment you wonder how you will survive. Then you look around and realise there is much better fare available.

Now there are two possibilities here: conspicuous consumption is one. I've been there, done that, and its really not something that is healthy for me.

So the other option is to be discriminating, discerning, and opt to never eat stale bread again. Much healthier option. (Of course you can only opt for the best that is available to you...)

Take it as an analogy for what you will - my life with the LCT was a "desert" on a number of fronts. At the time it seemed that it was worth that to be with the man I loved, who loved me - because it wasn't him creating the desert, it was his mental health issues. Stand by your man 'n' all that :s

To stretch the analogy (possibly beyond its sensible use ;) ) I guess the added twist here is that you have to opt for a particular food without having tasted it before hand. At least with restaurants you have reviews you can read, although you don't know that someone else's opinion is valid for your own tastes.

But with people you have to take some risks and hope it doesn't go too horribly wrong. I find my confidence has taken quite a knock. Having someone behave as if you are unattractive for a number of years turns it into a pretty convincing belief. Plus I suspect that I minimised the risk of temptation by dressing safe, and not being so concerned about putting on weight. Now I *want* to be attractive, but still feel unattractive... I can change things, but it is going to take time. I tried to wear a summer skirt the other morning to go to work and felt terribly exposed :( (so changed !) (Winter gear - short skirt and opaque tights - not an issue).

At the risk of being terribly cliche, I feel like a wolf in sheep's clothing. What people see is the sheep - normal, sensible, calm, reliable. Or maybe they sometimes see hints of wolf - I quite often get the reaction that people expect me to want to take charge - not a very sheep-like behaviour...

You may ask why I don't just unleash the inner-me "wolf". But I have to exist in a certain world - pay the mortgage, get along with the neighbours etc etc - and I don't live in a wolf-pack society. So for now the wolf has to stay tamed, and under control.

howling #2

Hmmm... let's start with the first suggestion from my pal:

"State the problem as clearly as possible." Here goes, in my normal meandering style

Years back I went to a work sales conference in Jersey. We had some free time and I was wandering around shops looking for goodies to take back. I came across a gift/jewelry shop which had pendants in silver. Each pendant had a word on it - they were supposed to be wishes that the goddess(es ?) would fulfil. I tried to look this up recently but didn't get very far. I took a look at the words you could choose from: things like "success", "wealth" etc. I ended up chosing "fulfilled" because I felt it summed up all sorts of the other words in one all encompassing concept.

A month or so ago I went through my jewelry and sorted things out. I realised I had some quite nice pieces that I simply never wore. In the same way I don't wear dresses or skirts much. I figured I ought to do something about that and started wearing the pendant again.

What is making me restless is that I am unfulfilled. That's the simple bit. The difficult bit is what to do about it. I've never been one to sit back and wait for things to come to me - if I believe in anything it is some form of active fate. I often get a feeling - it may simply be what other people would call a sense of purpose - but to me there is a sense of rightness about some choices, a sense of wrongness about others. And for a long time I felt that there was something I was supposed to be doing. Not necessarily something big or amazing. Like the 'sliding doors' concept, it could be something quite trivial. For a long time I thought I had found that...but I hadn't.

What I can't quite work out is whether the feeling that life is about to shift gear is mere wishful thinking.... and that the restlessness is because it is just fantasy. Or if there is genuinely something about to change and some part of me can feel that ?

Any way, I figured I was not doing myself any good tying myself in knots - so went for the traditional remedy of retail therapy :) Tonight I have Siouxsie and the Banshees on CD to listen to :D

I was listening to the radio the other night and they played "Teardrop", a track by Massive Attack with Elisabeth Fraser ex of Cocteau Twins. I'd forgotten all about Cocteau Twins - how could I do that ? So their BBC Sessions CD is on its way.

And as I had a bad head when I was travelling home, rather than reading my current load book (Faust), I ended up with Adam Ant's biography and that reminded me I didn't have any Siouxsie on CD. (I'd forgotten how good it is... :sigh:)

I like a part of Tony's Eno quote (see the second item on this page : "except for those magic hours when your finger is right on the pulse, and those times only happen when you've abandoned the lifeline of your own history"

The times I feel most alive are when I am just there in the moment, fully aware with all senses, just being - it is like someone connects you up to 40,000 volts. I know life can't be all like that - but those briefs moments... And you know there are people out there who are living their dream who have more of those moments than us rat-racers. The days I start by being with horses are more like that.

The second Oblique Strategy: "Go outside. Shut the door."

The person I thought I would grow old with left me. And actually never was really with me. I haven't met my soulmate. The horse I thought would be my riding partner for the next decade, a talented bright mare, has arthritis and we can't do so much together. I still find myself saying things like "it is unlikely I will get to be a parent" rather than saying out loud that I won't. So what do I close the door on ?

This is not where I expected to be at this point in my life. But hey I have a roof over my head, all my limbs, a job; life's really not that bad. Do I need to accept that there are things that are now no longer going to be possible for me - in order to move on ? I'm the tenacious type; giving up is not easy for me.

" state the problem...." I am annoyed with myself for not doing more, faster. I feel the passing of time, and my life is running through my fingers like sand. I want to savour every grain of it.

howling at the moon

I feel....

restless

It is not just about the upcoming milestone. When I was first by myself, a friend suggested I might feel like howling at the moon. At the very first I felt that if I did that I might never stop... plus not drinking kind of makes it a bit of a damp squib.

But now I start to feel that I really do need to just.... I don't know, just something. Not very articulate I know.

I guess I am a little impatient with myself. There are parts of me that have been pretty much unexpressed, in suspended animation, for 11 years. When I have to remember what it is like being single, it is that 11-years-ago me that is all I have to fall back on. But the reality is now - is me eleven years on. With all the wear and tear that the last 11 years entailed.

(Guess who just got the run photos back and yes I AM once again doing a convincing baby elephat impression :( )

I can't go out and be the me I was, because that is not me anymore.

I'm not making much sense so I shall stop here and try and get my head around how I feel.

karma

I was dashing about like a mad thing last week trying to get organised and only just managing it in time. As a result I forgot to ask my folks to check the house while I was away. Bad move.

So having zipped down to London, I located my sister at the music venue she was drumming at - not at number 157 but at number 175, and despite her not being available by phone as she'd swapped phones that very day.

And managed to get myself moving well enough after my fall last week to not only take part in the Hydroactive 5k but complete it without walking in an entirely credibly 38 mins (limited by the speed of the people around me for the first sections). (I'm sure the back massage I managed to cadge off a friend on Saturday helped :D)

And having then, despite developing quite a mean low grade migraine, still managed to get myself to the airport on time and get on my flight home, which was on time...

Sometime around then it started unravelling. Firstly the traffic after leaving the airport and trying to get across the city was the worst I have ever seen. It took more time than it normally takes to get home just to get across the city :(

Then eventually I got home and discovered the fuse had tripped... and the fridge seemed suspiciously warm. Went to grab some food from the freezer... and that had managed to defrost and had puddle of plum juice in the bottom. Got that mopped out. Luckily I recently defrosted it so there is not too much food in there to worry about. I threw some and will cook and eat some of what is left.

Later I was unpacking and food my toothpaste had leaked :(

And this morning I found out that both lots of milk in the fridge had gone off.

None of which is exactly a major disaster... but I'll try and remember to get the electricity checked next time I go away.

should have known better

I'm off to London this week to run 5k.

So of course it was entirely sensible of me to take one of the ponies out for a toddle on one of the stubble fields yesterday evening..... not.

One whirring partridge later and I hit the deck. That is something I decided to quite doing some time ago when someone decided to make the floor harder, and me less flexible :( Now not only are various parts of me turning interesting shade of purple, into green, but I am behind in my packing, in the "gorilla into girl" transformation.

Actually that is probably more like gorilla into baby elephant, as the photos of previous races have probably not lied - but have, in my view, shown my similarity to aforementioned juvenile mammal :(

This similarity was confirmed at a result salsacise class at work at lunchtime where I made the mistake of being behind one of the slimmer of my colleagues. As we were on carpet, its harder to do some of the wiggles and turns as your feet/shoes don't slip - so I really did feel like I should have a zimmer frame. And that was before my unexpected reacquaintance with a stubble field at close quarter !

ah well - I have a whole two days before the run. I had thought I was doing quite well earlier today, as I was sore but the bits of back I could see did not seem to be too bad. I think what I could see was "stubble rash" (in the straw field sense !). When I got home and took off my work clothes, I realised I was conning myself.

So I think its time to stop trying to be superwoman and take my battered bruised body off for some healing sleep.

somewhere down the road...

For two years of the eleven I was with the LCT, I was living and working in the UK to pay the bills where he was living (not in the UK). I remember saying to him that I had all the disadvantages of being single AND all the disadvantages of being in a relationship and *none* of the advantages of either.

Sometime last year, probably when he was still here, I went to see Phil (Cunningham) and Aly (Bain) play. Recently saw them again and some of the stories and jokes were the same ;-) It brought home to me that life now is really not that different to life then, except I've only got one lot of disadvantage, and have swapped the other lot for opportunity/potential. Plus my salary goes a lot further supporting one person rather than two. Of course not all the costs are halved - the mortgage is the same whoever lives here.

As I said before, there are distinct advantages - synergy even - to being part of a life partnership. I just wasn't getting any of them :(

When I started this blog I talked about the path I needed to walk. I guess it has just occurred to me that I had actually started creating that path for myself some time before. I don't mean to say that I had already left the relationship. But instead I had spent a couple of years establishing behaviours, habits, that were *not* linked to or dependent on my partner being there (as he wasn't !). When he came back, those behaviours accomodated him - but if he decided not to join in, I had the option to go ahead by myself. So when he left, those behaviours were still there, available.

I guess the habits and behaviours that are missing...still... are the ones that allow me to behave like a single person. Which sounds like I am still behaving like a "smug married" type. I'm not - but it is still a little scary and daunting to consider going out with a complete stranger. And at this age, there are not so many single people left where you have not already both made the call that this is only ever going to be platonic. I don't quite agree with the "When Harry met Sally" premis that men and women can never be just friends. But there does tend to be a phase early on when one or other of you is thinking "would I ?" You're not always both at that stage at the same time.

Sometimes things can change enough that the question gets asked again, later. But not often.

And there is normally a reason why you split up with an ex - so unless it is pretty clear that reason is no longer there....

I was a bit lonely the other night - rattling around a bit here by myself. There is this instinct to fix that by calling someone...but all that does is ask someone else to fix your neediness. I think it is a bit like grabbing food the instant you even have the vaguest thought of hunger - your body never actually experiences the feeling of hunger and just recalibrates the whole time to a new level of fullness. In the same way, if I reach for the phone the instant I feel a bit alone, I never learn to handle being alone. Or relearn - I used to live by myself and handled it fine - I'm just out of practice.

Well maybe I had a few bad habits back then that I ought to try and avoid this time around... I remember getting Sky when they had a deal on it so the films were free. I would get home and watch the movie - then watch the main movie at 8pm, and just keep going from there despite the movies getting more and more dire. Talking of which, I should probably have better things to do on a Friday night/Saturday morning than be writing this !

Right now - sleep is the only option. Sweet dreams :)

reinvention ?

so it is coming up for twelve months from being liberated from the LCT...

I was talking to one of my visitors, who split up from her long term partner 4 months ago. It seems to be that the things you miss when you go from relationship to singledom are often the things you were missing...the closeness, the companionship, someone to share things with (and yes, call me Ms Claus). Missing them now is not so much about having had them before, as knowing you *could* have them now if you played your cards a particular way. (Whereas being with your previous partner meant there was no chance !)

This weekend I came back home to discover my next door neighbouring doing a blitz on the "flower" (a.k.a. weed) bed outside their part of the shared drive. His partner is away and he wanted to surprise her with the makeover. Once again I realise how different life is with a partner who is prepared to muck in, co-operate, do their fair share. (I helped on Sunday as part of the area is outside my end of the house - and it made more sense to clear it all and avoid one part reinfesting the other).

Anyway, thinking about the previous rant on self-indulgence, I was wondering whether I ought to "retire" this blog at the twelve months mark... It's done the job of recording the journey so far but I am concerned it is boring and too 'safe'.

So: do I start over ? Or do I simply take this blog into new territory ? A new blog has the option of being relatively anonymous - but then I don't believe this one has an extensive readership anyway so it effectively anonymous ;)

As for new territory - I've mentioned before how I had gained a habit of self-censorship from my time with a partner who was mentally ill. I've not really found the balance on that one yet - I either over-censor or say things I really shouldn't. Must come across as a bit (?) weird at times. If anything this blog has erred on the side of caution. But in reality, what is there to reveal ? I guess reality is not essential for blogs - but I'm not sure my prose is up to any real creativity yet. I got Cosmo as a late night train read the other night - it turned out to have a *sealed* section. Sealed because it had a couple of short "erotic" stories in. They were not that amazing. I think they were part of some competition as there were comments/appraisals of each one. But even if they did not seem to be setting the world on fire, I'm not sure I could do any better (hey why not - if you can't join them, beat them !).

One of the challenges with teaching people to ride horses (bear with me, this is relevant and not a dodgy link) is that you are trying to teach a FEEL, not a skill like reading, writing, adding up. You can teach technique - and adapt it for the situation. But someone can have the technique right and get very different results.

Isn't erotic fiction a similar challenge ? It is trying to express something that is a feel, a feel that will vary on the two (or more ;) ) people involved. It is different if you are writing a manual - then you really are into "left leg here, right hand there" territory. But trying to write something that will give the same feel to everyone who reads it ? Some years ago a friend who wrote a fanzine asked me to review some erotic fiction from a female point of view (the other reviews were all from men). I'm no literary expert but there seemed to be an awful lot of badly written material. I've given it a wide berth since, despite its recent popularity and availability. The Cosmo examples didn't give me any reason to change my mind.

Anyway, back to the main thrust (fnarr fnarr) - part of me feels I should mark/celebrate the anniversary of his departure somehow (and I can think of an appropriate way, but it takes two to tango.... volunteers anyone ?). Actually not so sure meaningless indulgence is so appropriate - or just replacing one kind of self-indulgence with another ?

Part of me feels it is no big deal. I actually already have something to do that Friday night (concert hall with my parents) and am contemplating a competition that Sunday.

So what to do - retire this blog or reinvent it ? ignore the twelve month thing or find some way to mark it ?

ho hum