the time of year

the clocks changed, so the horses started coming in at night. So what ? Well since last winter I found out that when I was away in the evening to do last feeds - my supposedly devoted partner was on the phone to his other partner (most evenings). It is interesting how this delayed effect can apply. I feel SO over him - but then something that in theory I would have dealt with and moved on from already catches me out - because it is something that was not known/relevent at the same time last year.

And then, with that hint of nostalgia already in the air, I had a CD on while I was tidying and cleaning this afternoon. It was a compilation of artists from Celtic Connections - and has the Kate Rusby Track "No Names" on it. I went to see Kate Rusby live just after he left, and this track had me in pieces. I've listened to it a fair amount since and been able to appreciate it for just music, rather than with any emotion attached. But today, for a brief moment, I felt the loss of the partner I *thought* I had for all those years - the phantom, who never really existed other than in my mind. He was real to me at the time. I think I have been determined that the person I lost was the reality - the cheat, the liar - and forgotten to leave myself to grieve for the genuine loss of the person I believed I was with. Funny how grief feels a bit like you'd think a stab in the back would feel...

Part of me feels weak for still having moments like this - but then it was over 25% of my life.

stuff in my head

I was talking to a friend the other day about how a bad experience, in a completely different environment, was affecting how he was doing something in the here and now. The orginal experience had no relevance to the current one - but had taught him that he was "No good" at things, even though he again and again proved exactly the opposite in his every day life. But in certain situations the old programming came back to haunt him, and made the "no good" become a self-fulfilling prophecy. It was embedded enough that he genuinely questioned whether the *real* him was the competent, natural good person we were observing 99% of the time, or the 1% where it wasn't quite right - and was convinced the 1% was the real him.

Now this links in with the whole theory of the Talent Police - who know you are really faking in it, and are undercover so you don't know who they are. And one day there will be a tap on the shoulder... (a different theory from a different person). But that's perhaps for another conversation.

It also ties in to a concept Mark Rashid uses, which has a biblical background "as man thinketh, so is he" or words to that effect. I guess NLP also uses this approach, but with more complex language.

Anyway, a day or so after the conversation, having quite emphatic told this guy that he needed to forget the historical rubbish and believe in himself - I twigged that in a way I am doing exactly the same, but about the whole weight issue.

There was a guy (isn't there always) who I feel hook line and sinker for when I was new to all this romance stuff. I hadn't figured that you could feel like that about someone without it being reciprocated. I believed in true love and all that. Anyway, we did briefly get together but it didn't end so well - as he basically did a disappearing act rather than tell me it was over. It was New Year and the rest of my family had headed north while I stayed at home alone - my faith in true love strong enough that I still believed that something major must be stopping him getting in contact. Eventually just before New Year I got desparate and managed to track down a friend of his, who finally got him on the phone for me. And that was that... for eight years.

Eight years later I had just come out of a two and half year relationship. I don't even remember how he got in contact - but there we were, talking on the phone again like we were friends. He came to visit, and *he* was the one who moved in into non-platonic territory. I would have been happy keeping it to friends, but once it moved into different territory, I seemed to lose all logic and rationality. If I didn't make a fool of myself, I got pretty close to it.

This is just context to try and explain why a simple phrase had such a big impact on me. This guy had the ability to turn my brain to jelly. (true to character he later did another disappearing act and I haven't heard from him since !)

The phrase in question was "stocky". Yep, he described me as *stocky*

So he may have been correct to do so. But in mulling over how someone else was being affected by their past, I realised that a lot of the rubbish in my head about weight, looks etc comes back to that - to someone I was crazy about using *that* word to describe me.

Being aware of it doesn't fix it...but it might help me deal with it better in the future.

I guess around now I should fess up to one of the possible readers of this - who I give a fair amount of grief to about the way he puts himself down. Guess what - it takes one to know one

But that is not the only past "stuff" I am dealing with right now. Having been in a relationship with a partner who for long periods of time barely touched me, not even for a friendly hug (it was the PTSD he said...), I figured there were two possibilities now I was single again - one was that I had supressed my physical needs for so long that single celibacy was just going to be more of the same, just without a warm male body next to me at night to rub salt in the wound. The alternative was that it would all come roaring back like a forest fire. It's kind of been neither one nor the other. Moments of wanting to club the nearest half-decent male over the head and drag him off to a dark cave are easier to deal with if you can distract yourself by going for a run, or tidying something up. Nothing wrong with a coping strategy that makes me healthier or improves my quality of life !

What is slightly weird is that slightly predatory urge was something I had "retired" and moved on from *before* I met my ex. It seems that in reverting back to "single me", I've reverted back to an older (or should that be younger ?) version of me than I realised. And there is a part of me that just wants to let the inner predator loose.

I feel like a caged big cat that has been put into a release programme - I don't really remember how to hunt, what to hunt, but I know I want to hunt. I can remember how it feels like remembering the taste of a favourite food, like the smell of baking bread or new mown grass - instantly evocative.

I remember watching a release programme for cats where they were having to learn how to catch live prey as they had always been fed dead meat. They were completely inept. Ever seen an older cat behaving like a kitten ? They just look stupid, but they can't help themselves.

I have quite a strong drive *not* to make a fool of myself.

This could be an interesting one to work through...

visitors

More visitors this weekend. I've never had a year like this, even when we were abroad so people wanted to come visit for a holiday ! The interesting thing this time was the realisation that each set of visitors has been completely different in social/relationship terms.

There have been the "relatives". My cousin is a similar age to me but has children. We haven't really had time to talk much for years. It was great to reconnect, and in the case of the next generation - connect for the first time !

Then a very good friend, who is also an ex, and his daughter. As I've said in a previous post it was a bit like borrowing a family for the weekend. My friend and I fell back into old modes of conversation pretty quickly, his daughter was (is) a delight, and the friendship just naturally expanded to include her.

The most recent visitors were not people I knew well at all but it was like having a house party with a bunch of friends from peer group. Including way too much whisky on Saturday night :)and a round of goodbye hugs.

While having people here always involves a degree of tension in terms of preparing, organising, keeping things going - at the same time I end up feeling better for it.

I can see clearly now....

...finally taken the plunge in terms of giving contact lenses another go. It was amazing how clear everything was this morning (first few hours of wear). I really ought to clean my glasses more often :S It is amazing the difference it makes - you get used to living behind a "wall". People get used to seeing you that way. Then all of a sudden you take the barrier down. However the idea is not to wear them at work but rather for riding, running, aerobics. So perhaps I'll carry on hiding behind my glasses a bit longer. They say the eyes are the window to your soul - I do wonder what people would see in mine...

With all the focus on the most recent twelve months, it took a random question from friend before I realised that this week two years ago was the move home from Sweden. One of the most stressful weeks I have ever survived - perhaps thats why I had blanked it out a bit. But the positive side is that it is two years since I have been properly in this house.

I've lived by myself before - and there have been times when it has not been an entirely comfortable feeling (being alone in a house). But despite this house really being way too big for one person, it feels good being here - it feels like home.

Yes it is still chaos - I wouldn't currently *fit* into a smaller place - well not so much me as my belongings :p It wouldn't be economic to downsize at this stage either - I'd need to spend a lot to get the house into sales condition. I will stll gradually get things sorted - but not in a big rush. I know two years, for what has been done to the house in that time, is not exactly a rush. But there have been a few other things going on....

The hall decoration is now planned for a couple of weeks time, but I still need to chase the outside work that needs doing. I need to talk to a joiner about a couple of pieces of work.

It's nice having visitors as well though (more arriving tonight). I have the thought that if I ever get organised and get the spareroom half decent, I could put people up if they are in the area for riding courses or whatever. But as long as it has bright yellow walls and a burgundy carpet, its friends and family only ;)

no more drips...

just a short moment of gloating...

two more ticks in the list of things to do :)

The kitchen tap that has been sitting around waiting to be installed for almost two years now - is in place. Instead of having a tap that sits there doing a good impression of chinese water torture and being horrendously un-environmentally friendly...oh, and opened in opposite directions for hot and cold (which resulted in a few scary moments !)

I now have a tap that works, does not drip, and does not soak me in water when I try and turn it off but turn it on more instead :D

And the gas fire in the lounge has also been serviced.

And it didn't even cost an arm and a leg. Although I do now have two bruises, one on each shin, where I managed to walk into the guy's heavy wooden toolbox *in both direction* :(

Feeling quite chuffed with making some progress, though I still have things to chase - the hall decoration and the outside work that needs doing.

Oh, and I have a new freezer as well. The old one (a chest freezer) is way too big for one person and if the RCD trips in the house (as it so often does) while I am at work, it is so empty it doesn't really stay cold and keep things frozen. I had been keeping an eye out for something much smaller and with drawers so it was easier to find things. I found what I wanted on Saturday and got it levered into my small car and brought it home.

I still have the large old freezer to shift. Big sis had initially said she wanted it when I first said I was looking for a new one. But I gather she thought it would be an improvement on the one she had from our parents - which I doubt as they are both similar vintage (the freezers that is). So I may need to borrow a spare pair of hands and a trailer (and a towing vehicle !) to get it out of my shed and down to the local tip. Not this weekend tho.

just realised I was going to transfer stuff from one to the other by end of today - and it is now pitch black out there and I am not really dressed for going outside. But if I don't go and do it - the old freezer is currently running via an extension lead and I will not be able to sleep for images of shed's bursting into flames etc :(

No rest for the wicked....

time for romance ?

actually two questions in one, depending on the emphasis.

I'm starting to feel like I can reliably be as human as I get. So is it time to stretch the comfort zone and start thinking about



dating ?

as in meeting people who aren't already in my life for some other reason, for no other reason that being social ?

I'm not suddenly or quickly going to roll back the years, lose two stone, and forget the past - this is probably almost as good as I get. I'm thinking of trying contact lenses again - but for running, riding, stuff like that where glasses can be a problem. I'm trying to be a bit braver and less neutral/safe in what I wear. But I;m not figuring on any major changes

So...

time to step over the precipice and see what happens ?

But then I get on to the second version of the question. How do I find the time for romance ? I was trying to work out how I had time when I was last "dating". At the time I was working in London during the week, and travelling out into the east of England at weekends as that is where the horses were.

Hmmm - lets go further back than that. Before London I was living in the north of England. But just as I started work, my boyfriend (who also lived in the north but in the neighbouring city) and I split up. Mutual decision, different paths and journeys. We are still great friends :D There were a bunch of other single, similar age people. So there was a ready made social life - romance-free but social. When there was a hint of romance, it was with someone who lived some way away who I had known previously (i.e. not work related). So we met up quite infrequently. Pretty poor excuse for a romance in hindsight - another of my great choices in men !

Then I moved down south and was commuting out of London for weekends. The work social scene was a different deal as everyone lived in different places - there was a bit of a clique that were all central London. I wasn't one of them. There were regular courses which had a bit of a reputation for people getting together - but I never did. So the romances were weekend-based. And the LCT was the second of those.

Well thats not entirely true. There was midweek romance - someone I worked with. We're just about talking these days... It probably ruined what had a chance of being a good friendship. Sometimes my heels are too round for my own good :(

Present day - I spend 3-4 hours travelling every day midweek. And need to get back home after work to catch up with horses and home. And weekends are catching up on everything else.

I was watching a sitcom this evening where the male character writes a personal ad - "wanted female for friendship and more...like ironing" !! I always joked I needed a kept man - I think I got my fingers well and truly burnt on that idea. What are the odds of finding a decent single guy, with more than half a brain, of the right kind of age (not too old, not too young), who actually has any spare time at weekends himself ? :sigh:

If the perfect man is anywhere out there, send him in my direction ? But then I could never live up to him anyway....

I know I've been muttering about this for a while. I just have to work out how to turn it from mutter into reality ! That and save the world in 14 hours - no problem :D

what a year...

I hear via the grapevine that someone has been sending emails from accounts with similar names to my ex's email account (allegedly i.e. according to him) and that he has hypothesized that the someone is me.

Even assuming such behaviour was in my nature (its not), and that I also had the inclination (I don't), where on earth would I have had the time ?! Time is a scarce resource - I want to spend it on things that will have value to me, and I have to pick and choose then, knowing I can't get it all done. Racking over old coals has no value. And those coals are stone cold.

I've been surviving - going to work, keeping house and horse ticking over, neglecting the garden more than I should. I've been away three times (Cyprus, Birmingham, London), and had visitors - some more than once :D and more to come.

And I've also (as previously posted) managed to get some of the improvement bits and pieces done (new lights in the hall, new boiler, new saddle, new car) but still have a tonne to go (chimney, hall decoration, kitchen tap, flat roof down pipe, etc etc).

I had a big tidy out of my email last night - once I'd started it got a bit obsessive. It was a little liberating to halve the number of pages I have stored in my inbox. It feels a little like being the kind of creature that needs to shed its skin to grow. I look around and know I have way more to do than I have managed to do so far - but hey, something is better than nothing - and it's a start !

I wrote before about the "anniversary". I could see that as a bad start to the year. Or I can see it as the ending of the bad year(s) before, and see what happened after that. I am more me than I was then.

wolves

weird.

I was at our work quiz nite last week. It is raising funds for our charity for the year and is a good laugh. It does mean I end up getting a later train home. Unusually for me I had a skirt on rather than trousers. I've been trying to make sure I do this as part of getting myself to be less in a "safe" rut in terms of appearance.

Last time I did this, I grabbed a Cosmo at the station WHSmiths. It happened to have a "sealed" section of erotic fiction - which I duely read and in my humble opinion was pretty badly written and not terribly erotic.

This time around I checked out the bookshops at lunchtime but could not spot anything I was burning to read, so once again went to the station shop and ended up with "Scarlet". This is a magazine which appear to regularly contain erotic fiction. I figured it would be amusing to read, and anyone who tried to read over my shoulder was on for a shock

The train was not terribly busy. I had to change two stops before my station, with a 20 minute wait. On the second train, as we pulled into the final station, I noticed quite a young lad. Without being aware of it consciously, I kind of knew he was checking me out. Didn't think anything of it. Got off the train, and went up the steps of the pedestrian flyover that takes you off the platform. The young lad is chatting to friends and has his mobile open, and goes ahead of me and turns right. I follow and take the left turn, but am aware he has hesitated. I keep walking, down into the carpark, and become aware he is behind me.

Slightly too close...

I get to the car and know I will be able to turn as I get to the car door and check where he is. He is just a few steps behind me and hesitates, then walks past, and then...

he WHISTLES !!!

for goodness sake I am old enough to be his *mother* !

He hesitates again, waiting for a reaction, watching me. I grin wrly, unlock the car, and get in. I didn't trust myself to say anything. I can't work out if I am complimented or freaked out ! Did he see what I was reading and figure it was worth checking out my reaction ? I don't think he was drunk...

My automatic reaction is to assume there must be some issue, that the interest can't be genuine. Especially as he actually wasn't a complete geek - just a normal quite cute cute young bloke.

As I drive out of the car park, he is by the entrance. I think he is still wondering if I will stop as he is still watching me.

Serial weirdo ? Or into older women ? I guess I'll never know....

(By the way, the writing in Scarlet is much better than the Cosmo stuff)

does that make me needy ?

I don't know whether it is the fall out from yesterday's emotions, but I had a real feeling that what I would really like to do this evening would be to curl up with a nice man, pull up the covers, and forget the outside world exists for a while.

(There is something about duvets which, when you curl up in them, is very soothing).

Does that make me needy ?

They have done research on primates which show that if you take away social contact, they cease to thrive. The worst is not to see or touch others of their kind. Sight alone is better than nothing. But the best for their well-being is for them to be able to see and be in physical contact with others. Its not sexual; it is just social.

Yet we tend instead to assume that any physical contact must have some sexual element to it (the when Harry met Sally argument). Which means that we then tend to avoid physical contact with our fellow human beings to avoid it being misinterpreted - unless we know them well enough (as friends) to know it is acceptable and ok.

At one of my previous workplaces I had a hugging agreement with a (male) colleague. Purely platonic. We weren't each other's type but we got on ok as friends.

(Mind you, if I was curling up with someone for the evening, they'd probably be someone who was a pretty good friend - more than just a co-hugger.)

I was logging into hotmail and there was something on the front page about how it was hard to find romance if your head was full of a non-existent ideal. I don't believe I have that ideal; my experience to date has set the benchmark well below "ideal". But at the same time it has meant I am not prepared to compromise on things like honesty. I don't think my challenge is so much giving up on an ideal, as believing I really have anything to offer someone.

Hmmmm - maybe thats why dance used to appeal - because of the potential for social contact ? I remember going to a Salsa bar some years ago in London and dancing with a guy who didn't speak english, and I didn't speak his language. He was a way better dancer than me - but for the length of a song, we danced... close up.

I say "used to appeal" - of course it still does, but with a knee I still don't 100% trust, and the extra weight and lack of fitness, I don't have the stamina or flexibility I used to have.

At last year's work christmas bash I was pretty miffed to discover that despite having been getting fitter by training for the 5k and 10k runs, I was still reduced to a breathless sweaty heap in a remarkably short time. And despite still running, doing a weekly aerobics class and so on, the one salsacise class I've been too so far also showed up I am not as fit as I would like to be.

Ah well, time to take my ageing self off to sleep.

no big deal/falling apart

well see I had this big piece planned on how I had figured out that partners being unfaithful is something that seems to go on all the time (sadly). So my situation may have been over a fair period of time (not unknown), involve mental health issues (probably not unique), and have a few unique(ish) aspects. But overall all - so what ?

yadda yadda yadda I'm alright...it was not a nice experience, not one I would wish on my worst enemies (other than him - would be ironic for him to get a dose of his own treatment), but also not one to destroy the rest of my life over...

and then one of my ex-colleagues who travels on the same train managed to find a vulnerable spot, stomp all over it with hobnail boots, and reduce me to tears :( on the train.

It wasn't intentional (so he says) but he was using what he knew I had been through to try and "score a point" in a discussion. And it was a bit below the belt in my view. And it being unintentional doesn't make it less painful !

I guess there will be some sore spots that most of the time I am unaware of, that someone will manage to hit now and then.... it just made me feel pretty fragile for the rest of the day.